John and Rodney's Mainland Adventure Series
by Tazmy
Summary: Infirmary escapes, a monster turtle, insanity, mermaids and more! Series of interconnected but complete stories that begins with John and Rodney's Mainland Adventure. Most recent addition: The Trouble with Turtles, Carson's George Adventure.
1. John and Rodney's Mainland Adventure

**Turtle Soup: The George Adventure Series**

This is a series of interconnected but complete humor stories. Rated I for Insanity.

**Index: John and Rodney's Mainland Adventure; Rodney and Turtle's Atlantis Adventure; Rodney's Mermaid Adventure.**

**(Posted separately: John and George's Christmas Adventure)  
**

_by Tazmy (sgatazmy on livejournal)  
_

_A/N: This story contains swearing. Beta'd by Layla and let me tell you, that was quite a feat for her to undertake. The extra whumping is specially for Kodiak._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate or the actors here. I make no profit and only do this for fun.  
_

* * *

**John and Rodney's Mainland Adventure**

****Some people might say I'm overreacting, but they're not the ones stuck lying in the infirmary 24-7, 10 days out of each month. Seriously, it's not that I'm accident-prone or even that I go looking for trouble, but that doesn't stop trouble from finding me and my team. Especially me, actually. So those that say I'm overreacting can just shove it and shut up, because I'm not spending another moment cramped in that disinfectant-smelling hell-hole of an infirmary, no way. Not a chance. If I have to stun every soldier from here to the Puddlejumpers, I will. I'm that desperate.

I caress the weapon in my hand as the crazed man that I am. Ten days will do that to someone. Ten days with no freedom left in sight. Hobbling against my cane, I limp forward and around the corner. Not a guard to be seen and isn't that just a little odd? I don't trust anything that is too easy. Anyone who says I'm overly cautious hasn't lived the life I have. Too easy means something is wrong.

The cold steel feels good in my fingers. Scrubs aren't made for holsters, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with it put away anyway. A ready weapon is ten times more powerful than one set to rest.

The rhythm of my heart guides my steps forward as I turn the next corner. Black catches my eye just on time for me to hide. Lieutenant Samson is doing rounds in this area, and well, he's a bit too good at his job for me to be on the other end of it. Lorne must have moved the duty roster around, because I had taken this longer route in order to avoid the man. I should know better. Nothing ever goes according to plan early on. It's one of those laws written long ago, probably by a crazed Ancient trying to mess with the universe in some lasting way. I wonder if they can control individual destinies like that.

Lt. Samson turns my way and I swear he sees me, but his actions say otherwise. He just keeps walking, trying to avert his eyes, and now I'm sure something is up. Rodney would say I'm paranoid and that would be rich coming from him, because he's afraid of everything. Or at least he likes to let people think he is. But maybe he'd be right. Carson is a mollycoddling-terror that would have the head of anyone willing to help me escape. No one, and I mean no one, would be willing to feel his wrath for the likes of me. That's just a fact.

As Samson makes his merry--and doubtfully ignorant way—out of the hall, I start counting. Ten seconds later and I'm exposed again, but there's no sign of shadows and I still have a few more corridors to trek before I'm free.

"_Colonel Sheppard, please respond."_

Carson. He may not be in the room but I can still feel his admonishing stare breathe fire against my skin. It's real enough in fact that I'm sure it's going to leave a sunburn.

"_Colonel, this is Dr. Beckett. Please respond."_

Yeah right. One click on my headset and I'm on a one-way trip back to medicated-ville. Not my idea of fun and not going to happen. Mother Hen will just have to stew for a while.

"_Colonel Sheppard, this Elizabeth. I know you grabbed your headset and can thus hear me. I am ordering you to state your position."_

I'm already to the docking bay before they start using the intercom. My men are on alert now, which means dodging them has been a pain. No one's guarding the bay though. Not beyond the normal amount anyway, and they were easy enough to take out. That's why I chose to come here. No one would think I would go this far. I usually go to the Eastern Pier, but this time I really want to be alone and for a good long while; if that means taking more drastic measures, than so be it. So I shoot at my own men and enter as a cat about to pounce. I should probably feel guilty about stunning them like that, but how else are they going to learn to get better at their jobs? Not exactly the most painful experience either, and I don't have time to dwell on it.

I waste no time choosing which jumper to take. Jumper Two is my ship and my salvation. She'll get me free, even if I'm not sure how yet. Her back hatch opens with ease and I crawl inside, my limp hindering me only so much as I can't control it. It's time for the homestretch, but this is the hard part.

"You took your sweet time getting here," a snide voice remarks from the pilot seat.

Shit. I swing around, nearly toppling over myself in the process. "Rodney? What the hell are you doing here?" I give my best intimidating face, complete with full out annoyance and the 'don't make me shoot you' look.

The chair squeaks as McKay swivels his way around to face me. He has the audacity to smirk when he should look abashed. "I could ask the same thing, but it would be pointless, wouldn't it?" he says.

I finger the trigger on my weapon. It's just stun, he can handle it. "Rodney..."

"Let this be a lesson to you, Colonel: When executing grand escape plans, don't be transparent."

"Out of my way, McKay." I raise the weapon just enough for him to see it, and sure enough his blue eyes trace down my scrubs to land on the object in question. I expect him to freak out, panic, or maybe just act annoyed. He does none of the above, though. He laughs. The ever-terrified McKay is faced with me threatening to shoot him and what does he do? He laughs!

"And how exactly do you plan to lift a jumper without anyone noticing? Hmm? Wait; let me guess, you don't know? You were planning to go off half-cocked, and figure out explaining your actions later. Am I right?"

So I haven't shot him yet and I'm really not sure why. Problem is, he has a point. Getting here was the easy part, but there's no way I can get out on my own. "I'm not staying here."

"And I'm not leaving. Don't forget the safety protocols I installed after Ford's little show. If Elizabeth wants to stop this ship from leaving, she can and will. Do you really think, that she's going to just let you go?"

"You think I came this far without a plan?" It never ceases to amaze me how one man can annoy me more than a pack of angry guerrilla fighters.

"Yes actually."

I want nothing more than to erase the smug expression off his face. Smartest man in two galaxies, maybe. Most egotistical? No contest. And I chose him for my team again why?

I don't answer right away. My weapon is more level now and shooting him still seems like the best idea. Still haven't done it, though. Still don't know why.

Ever the talkative—or rather impossible to shut up—one, McKay takes my turn at speaking. "You are such a child sometimes, you know that?" He turns back toward the controls and I can feel my heart skip a few beats. The rat bastard is going to turn me in? After everything we've been through...

"Rodney." A last warning. It takes too many to get through that thick skull of his.

He toggles the switch. So much for a window of opportunity. If I shoot him now, Control will hear it. His actions are nothing short of treason, and I make sure my eyes say so.

"Dr. McKay to Control. Puddlejumper Two is ready to disembark."

My jaw drops and McKay sends off a satisfied smirk that boils my stomach, but I'm smiling because he's just as transparent as he claims I was. I hear Elizabeth give us the all clear and out we go.

"You didn't think I'd let you out of here alone, did you?" he asks.

I shrug. "You might have. When were you going to let me in on the plan."

"I wanted to see if you'd shoot me first."

SGA

There's nothing like the New Athosian North Shore. Not anywhere else on this Ancient planet, in this galaxy, even back home—well, on Earth anyway--can compare to its beauty. Note, the fact that I just used the word 'beauty' here. That should tell you just how awesome this place is.

Streams of turquoise and aqua bask in the sun's light, and I'm doing the same as I lie still against the water's surface. Face down in the ocean, I can't hear a thing. Not McKay complaining. Not Carson worrying. Not a Wraith feeding. Solitude is what I'm talking about. Glorious, wonderful solitude and not a soul around to steal it from me.

Except Rodney.

My arms wide spread, I move in course with the waves, allowing the sea to take me as it wills. I don't know how long I've been like this, but Rodney still hasn't come out to drag me back to the surface. Blowing some air out my nose, I take a last moment to enjoy the water before rising my head above the water's edge. Rodney not complaining for this long...it can't mean anything good.

I look out to the shore, seeing little but red crusted sand and large, pterodactyl-like birds riding on the wind. No Rodney. No campsite. Crap.

I always hated the breast stroke as a kid, the way the water always finds some way to swivel it's way into my nostrils. So I keep my head above water even if it's not the proper way to swim as I hightail it to the sand. I have no idea how far I've traveled, and maybe I don't want to know. The currents here are strong; I should have known better.

I pass by a few red fish and a cat-like dolphin before testing for the ground. My toes don't hit bottom despite my poking. I swim a little further before trying again. The next time, I'm met with a painful sting as my skin breaks against a rock, but at least I've landed on the surface. Damn, that was my good foot too. Just one more wound for Carson to complain about, I guess.

I tread through the remaining waters at a quick pace. Bubbles on the surface can't mean anything good, and I don't want to meet whatever creature is making them. Problem is, it wants to meet me. I can tell by how close those bubbles are. The water is still well past my abdomen, so I kick myself into the quickest swim I can.

Now I'm not sure exactly what creature grabs at me, but I feel its slimy tendrils caress my skin before latching on in an a violent, burning maneuver. No one is around to hear me scream and thank God, because I'm pretty sure I just screamed like a girl. No kidding. The monster's attached itself to my bad leg, right up against my wound, and I swear it's sucking the blood straight out from under me. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Now some might say this is my own fault for going swimming in an alien ocean while injured. To them I say, once again, shove it. It's better than the infirmary. But damn doesn't it hurt. My own alien man-of-war is trying to drag me down with it, its red beady eyes glistening from just beneath the surface, glowing against the crimson blood that is quickly spreading into the blue. So not exactly a man-of-war then.

I want to do something heroic and smart here. Maybe pull out my gun and shoot it, or knife it, or find some cool sharp rock to stab it with. I don't though. All I do is kick. I kick with everything I have and the damn thing just won't loosen. As my head plummets beneath the water's edge, I'm starting to wonder why solitude seemed like such a good idea a while back. Where the hell was Rodney and what was he thinking leaving me alone like that?

I stop kicking for just a second, my exhaustion reaching levels even beyond my capabilities. I can take out a hive ship of Wraith but apparently not one life-sucking sea monster. What a pathetic way to die. I feel the tendril slowly release before I kick again. It seems to be too good to be true, but when I don't kick again I feel it unlatch itself from me. When I say unlatch, I mean rip itself off in an agonizing maneuver that sends me screaming again. Unfortunately, that just means I took in a mouthful of salt water. Great. Sheppard flavored ocean for dinner, just fucking great.

Bathing in one's own blood is not a fun experience. It's sticky and salty and...ugh... I crawl onto shore, landing face first on the sand and loving every breath of air. I don't dare look at my leg, but I'm sure Carson's going to have some...interesting...words for me once I get back. Desertion is starting to sound like a good idea.

"Colonel!"

Rodney. The panicked voice of my team's scientist echoes across the beach, and I lift my head from the sand, still coughing out some of that disgusting meal, to get a better look. He's running towards me with the widest eyes you've ever seen, his trademark stare of fear. "Rodney," I manage to say between gasps. "Where the hell have you been?"

He stops short of helping me up, taking a step back. There is his trademark hurt expression. I just got attacked by an alien sea monster, what the hell does he want out of me?

"You're hurt."

"Well, you did help me escape the infirmary. Answer my question."

"Oh. Yes, um..." He reaches out and pulls me up all while speaking so fast, my salt-encrusted ears can barely hear him. "I was following you via the shoreline because if you drown Carson will seriously have my ass."

"Glad to know you care."

"Yes, well, I lost sight of you round about the time the turtle started chasing me."

"Turtle?" I get attacked by a man-of-war on steroids and he gets a turtle. He looks hurt when I snort, but really, a turtle?

My blood matches with the sand. I'm just saying because it's sort of creepy.

"Laugh all you want Colonel, but you didn't see it! I'm talking an alien turtle that would easily beat the hare in any race and happens to have large pointy teeth and claws."

It's too good an opening, and I can't resist. Bleeding though I am, which Rodney still hasn't managed to do anything about, I have to say, "Think it's related to the rabbit?"

"What?"

"The Monty Python rabbit. It has very sharp teeth."

"Oh yes, I'm sure it's some distant cousin, thrice removed. Geez, what the hell did you do to yourself now."

"Nothing Carson can't fix. Back to the jumper?" I'm leaning on him far more than I should, but there isn't much I can do about that. Not unless I want to be stuck on this beach forever. I'm not sure why coming here seemed like such a good idea a while ago, must have been the drugs.

"You think they've figured it out yet?"

"What? That I brought you here? Maybe. The official trip was for me to take Teyla to the mainland. She's hiding out somewhere so no one notices she hasn't left. Probably still combing the city for you."

See, now that's why I chose him for my team. Forward thinking. Smart. Willing to help a prisoner escape the evil clutches of Dr. Beckett. I have a good team that way, we watch out for each other. Never thought I'd have that again, but I guess that is a different story.

"Um, Colonel." Rodney's voice shakes as he nudges me back to consciousness that I never knew I left.

I'm hoisted over his shoulders now and he feels about ready to fall over for the weight. He didn't make the team for strength, that's for sure.

"What?"

I couldn't have been out that long, but purples and reds have mixed with the horizon in the grand finale that is sunset. It's an awesome sight if ever there was one, and it looks golden against the red sand. I'll have to come back here again sometime. Maybe bring Ronon and Teyla along as well.

"Colonel?"

"What?" Damn. Drifted off again.

"Did you hear a word I just said?"

"No."

"We've got trouble. I mean, serious trouble."

I glance over his shoulder, pressing my good foot into the ground, ignoring my toe's complaint. So when he said turtle, he failed to mention a few things. Four foot tall turtle with claws. Yes, I know he said claws but we're talking fucking huge claws here that could probably snap me in half. It's beady eyes stare forward before it lifts open its mouth and let's just say large, pointy teeth doesn't even begin to cover it.

"Shoot it."

Swim shorts weren't exactly made for holstering weapons, but surely McKay—who has yet to change out of his uniform—has one. Right? Problem is, he's a lousy shot. So after a few balls rings against some innocent bark, I reach my sweat-laden hand toward the weapon and take my turn. Nothing. Reverberates against the shell without so much as making it flinch. It does, however, open its mouth wider and move forward.

Quick. No, Rodney was once again not exaggerating, which ticks me off because that is what I expect from him. He's supposed to make things sound ten thousand times worse than they are, not the other way around. I can't run either, but I gimp my way around, all while holding onto Rodney's shoulder. In the end, we just topple over and the turtle-from-hell scampers over. I blink and he's crossed the good three-hundred feet that separated us, only to start sniffing up and down my face.

I try to shoot it again. Works about as well as Rodney shooting the trees. It's not biting though. I wouldn't be alive if it were.

Did I mention that this turtle had a beak? No kidding. A soft beak covered in pointy teeth, and it's now poking around in Rodney's pants. The poor scientist is too terrified to move.

"Get away," he cries. "Oh God, it's in my pants. What the hell kind of creature does this. We're going to die. I should have known that helping you is always bad. Always."

"Hey!"

"Well it's true."

Our turtle friend backs up, taking its beak along with it. It found its horde, a few powerbars and an MRE. Eats them up whole—aluminum and all--and just starts walking away. I feel like a kid that just got jumped for lunch money. I'm alive though, as surreal as that little experience was.

"Hey. Those are mine!"

"McKay, let's not aggravate the sharp-toothed monster that just decided to leave us alone."

"It just stole our food!"

We arrive back to the campsite only to find it's not our campsite at all. Shit. See, the problem with a cloaked jumper is just that, it's cloaked. Invisible. Impossible to see. Every bit of the shore looks the same and Rodney and I failed to remember where we parked. Guess I'm not Kirk after all.

It's nightfall now. No one has come looking for us. Rodney's convinced we're going to die out here, but when isn't he convinced of that?

We make camp, McKay using what materials he managed to bring with him to wrap up my leg. A nurse Rodney is not, but my leg needs care. The lush bruising is a sight to behold and it keeps even me from saying that I'm all right.

"Thanks by the way."

"For what?"

"Helping me out."

"You ended up injured!"

"Yeah. But I needed this. Thanks."

Rodney doesn't reply, but his trademark smirk says it all. It's damn good to have friends...family. Never would have believed that about family before, but it's true.

A few more hours into the night, I'm lying face up on a beach towel and smiling. This is why I came here. Nothing but the stars, the sea, and calm. No one asking for me to make a decision. No Wraith around the corner.

Tendrils of smoke swivel into the air. Rodney actually managed to catch a fish and start a fire. I'm impressed but I'm not about to tell him that. Smells something awful though, and I'm not so sure I'm hungry.

It turns out the fish has its own brand of chicken feet around here as well as some strange rectangular fins. Charred up, it's more crunchy than I'd expect. It actually tastes like bark rather than fish, but I'm thinking that is more due to Rodney's cooking that the fish itself.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Rodney yells mid-bite. I take a look around our little camp to come face to face with our beaked friend once more, the object of Rodney's frustration.

"At least we know it won't hurt us now," I say. Not so sure about that though, but we already know we can't outrun it or fight it, so hope is about all I have.

"Maybe."

I'm figuring this turtle probably has about a hundred legs on which it runs. Short, stubby, hairy, green legs that thrust it forward at an alarming pace. I jump back as it comes for me, because instincts and reflexes sometimes think on their own. Rodney does the same and the turtle for its part, I swear to God, smiles. The end of its beak curls up around the soft edges. What does it do next? Plop on our freshly made towels. Seriously. Just makes itself at home right on our campsite. That's not all either. It also devours the food both of us dropped in one bite.

McKay looks indignant and isn't that a funny sight in and of itself.

The turtle lies there for some minutes before lifting up on its feet. If turtles could stretch, I'd swear that's what it was doing now. It moves slowly this time as it approaches us. Neither of us try to run. I'm not the fatalistic type, I'll fight until the end, but something just leaves me standing there. Something that says that turtle won't do us any harm even if its pointy teeth say otherwise.

The creature crawls at a snail pace toward McKay, nudging at his leg.

"Oh shit. Oh shit. Get it off. Get it off." McKay's barely breathing, but not screaming. Just mumbling the words while trembling all over.

The turtle keeps nudging for a while before it starts walking forward again. When McKay doesn't move, the turtle nudges him again and starts walking.

"I think it wants us to follow."

"You cannot be serious," he cries. I am and so is the turtle as it nudges him a third time.

"Remind me never to help you again." I start the trek forward, beckoning for McKay to follow. Since I have to lean on him, he doesn't have much of a choice. He does, however, start with a reluctant 'this isn't fair' kick. They say laughter is the best medicine, and I've definitely had my share today just form watching McKay's reactions.

As far as turtles go, this one isn't so bad. It stops after some thousand paces, and twirls in its own circle. It turns toward me, baring its teeth with a smile. Me? I'm stupid enough to keep walking and land into a hard metal object for my trouble. Rubbing my temple, whose pain is a dull throb compared to my leg, I realize we just hit gold. No metal in sight plus impact equals cloaked jumper. Alleluia.

"You okay?" McKay nearly topples over himself but catches a nearby root. No one can say he didn't get his exercise today at least.

"Yeah."

We say farewell to our turtle friend, who seems to think he should come along for the ride. When I start to close the hatch, I'm blocking the entrance with my body despite its sharp teeth. Well, turtle, he won't have anything of it. He jolts over, knocking me forward and takes his place on the shuttle floor.

McKay just looks at me before take off, and I stare back. I'm now convinced that escaping the infirmary was the smartest thing I could have done. Alien turtles and scared McKays are far more entertaining than IV drips. But to tell the truth, I'm a little terrified now and so is my traveling companion. Using a shuttle to escape the infirmary, that's bad enough to incur Elizabeth's holly-terror-wrath. But bringing along an stubborn, alien turtle...well...some things just can't be explained.

"Let's go home," I say, taking my place at the helm. I don't care how injured I am, McKay's not going to drive.

"You had Samson in on the plan, didn't you?" We're well into the air now and dreading our return back.

McKay just smiles. Probably best I don't know, because soldiers getting paid off to not to do their jobs isn't something I should know about when it regards them helping me. I'm thankful though. And to think I was all ready to shoot Rodney earlier.

Carson looks ready to have an epileptic fit when we land in the bay. The turtle throws him for a loop.

"It followed us home."

Elizabeth looks doubtful and furious.

Lying back in the infirmary bed, I'm told I just bought myself another week here. Some may say it's my own fault for leaving, but I say it was worth it. "Same time tomorrow," I tell McKay before Carson's drugs drag me into the dreamworld.


	2. Rodney and Turtle's Atlantis Adventure

**Turtle Soup: The George Adventure Series**

This is a series of interconnected but complete humor stories. Rated I for Insanity.

**Index: John and Rodney's Mainland Adventure; Rodney and Turtle's Atlantis Adventure; Rodney's Mermaid Adventure.**

**(Posted separately: John and George's Christmas Adventure)**

* * *

**Rodney and Turtle's Atlantis Adventure**_  
_

There are many great accomplishments to which I am proud to attach my name. For instance, when I was twelve I built a robot programmed to follow my sister around and shock her. It was all in fun until the robot got loose and started attacking some of the neighborhood children. I still think my sister was responsible for that bit of reprogramming, but moving on...

To tell the truth, I found its new purpose just as amusing as its original one, but after Ted Ramkins was admitted to the hospital for my robot's dealings, I realized that perhaps I had gone too far. What really got to me, though, were the expressions on my parent's faces. Icy stares that were so cold they could have given me hypothermia. I would only see those stares one more time in my life.

Elizabeth and Carson were as mirror images to my parents the day that Sheppard and I brought turtle back to Atlantis.

"For the love of...What is that?" Carson managed to sputter out while helping an innocent-looking colonel onto a gurney.

"It followed us home," was Sheppard's nonchalant response. Easy for him to be so relaxed about it all, Carson was going to knock him out while I was left to face Elizabeth's fury.

"It followed you home?" Elizabeth reiterated, turning her gaze onto me as though I had some better explanation.

"Yes. That's right. It was rather...um...insistent actually."

The giant aberration clicked its claws for emphasis, causing every marine and otherwise to take some cautious steps backward. Watching the turtle from behind Elizabeth's back, I watched as it settled itself in the middle of the bay, closing its black eyes and retracting its claws.

Carson and his team were making their way out of the bay so I turned to follow, only to have Elizabeth grab my arm.

"Rodney." I could see the vein throbbing on her forehead, as though Sheppard and I were the cause of her needing Carson's special sleeping pills.

"Elizabeth."

"Get that thing out of here. Now."

"Who me? Um... Shouldn't I be checking on Sheppard and...Cold. Yes. I think I caught a cold out there. I should get to the infirmary before we have an epidemic."

"Rodney."

"Seriously. You wouldn't want..."

"Go. Just go. But I expect you to report to me directly after Carson releases you. Do I make myself clear?"

"Perfectly."

I turned my back and readied for my escape, only to hear a few thumps, screams, and then a swoosh with which I had become far too familiar with over the past day. Turning back around, sure enough there was turtle sitting no less than a foot away from me. Marines were scattered on various areas of the floor, while others had their guns raised at the abomination. Thank god they were smart enough not to shoot, or the ricochets from the shell would seriously have left someone injured, and knowing my luck, it would be me.

"What do you want?"

The turtle looked up to me, moving forward and nudging its head against my leg once more. Why does it have to do that? "Oh god, go away. Shoo. Go..."

Unperturbed, the thing moved closer to me, even as I was taking steps away. "And this would be why we had no choice but to bring it here."

"Sounds like you made a friend." The fury was starting to subside from Elizabeth's eye, replaced by a sparkle of humor. Looking around, I could see she wasn't the only one.

"Oh yes, laugh. I'm sure this is just one giant comedic scene. Don't you all have something better to do, like I don't know, getting this damn thing off of me!"

Even a little bratty kid would have gotten the point by now that I didn't want them around, but not turtle. No, he just kept moving that long head of his, his pointy teeth far too close to my limbs to mean anything good.

The marines moved to take it from behind, which meant I was supposed to play distracter. Proving that once again my mental health was in dire straights, I started to pet the turtle's head. Its skin reminded me of my grandmother's: rough, scaly, and nauseating to touch. Problem was that it seemed to think the same about me, because the next thing I knew, it was growling.

The marines took that as their cue and pounced. Turtle wasted no time, however, and swiveled around letting loose its claws of fury. What happened next, I couldn't say, because that's when I decided to run the hell as the fast I could. I could hear its familiar swoosh gaining on me, but the transporter was close enough for me to just make it. I jumped in, hit the destination, and watched as turtle sped toward the closing door. I was free.

By the time I reached the infirmary, I could hear Elizabeth calling for reinforcements and for me. Not that I bothered answering. I was far too important to be lost trying to stop a mutant turtle. I wondered briefly if it was a teenager. Certainly qualified as a ninja.

Sheppard was already lying on a bed, his leg wrapped up, by the time I entered. Carson was asking him some questions, clearly waiting to drug the colonel until after he had some decent answers. Sheppard waved me toward them just as Carson injected a needle into his IV.

"Same time tomorrow?" he asked. I made a note to have Heightmeyer check his sanity before plopping myself on the adjacent bed.

"You do realize that they've been calling you on the com." Leave it to Carson to state the blatantly obvious.

"Really? I thought they were calling the other McKay here. You know the less handsome and brilliant one. The one that's never there when you need him."

Carson finished with his voodoo magic on Sheppard then headed toward me with a blood pressure cuff. I held out my arm, readied for the motions that followed every mission. At least with a medical check-up every three days, I always knew I was in decent health. Unless I was dying and Carson wouldn't tell me because he thought I couldn't take it.

"So you stole a jumper, took an injured teammate to the beach, allowed him to incur further injury, and then brought back an alien turtle that could be carrying any number of diseases. Think that just about covers it?" Carson shoved the thermometer in a little too hard for my liking, and patted my arm with more of his annoyed slaps.

"Yeah. That sounds just about right. Not that we wanted to bring the turtle back, but it didn't give us much... Did you say diseases? Do you think I'm infected with something? I mean, we meet alien life forms all the time right. What makes this..."

"I'm sure you're fine, Rodney. Until I come up with a suitable punishment of course."

"Punishment? What am I, in preschool? I never forced Sheppard to come with me you know, I simply realized it was stupid for him to go out there alone."

"Sure you did. And as for being in preschool, well..."

That would be about the time Elizabeth entered, supported on both sides by two marines. Her pant leg was torn, revealing fresh cuts of oozing blood down her right thigh. Crap.

"Elizabeth. Are you all right? Did...I..."

There was that hypothermic glare again. Carson hoisted her up on a table and got to work. Elizabeth, for her part, just kept staring at me. As if this were all my fault...

"Rodney, you are going down to the jumperbay now and you are getting everything sorted out. Do you understand me?"

"I'm far too..."

"Now, Rodney!"

I always felt this horrible lurch in my stomach when guards flanked me. It was this idea of being shot, kidnapped, held prisoner, or...Well, whatever it was, I had it that day as the guards did just that. Clearly, Elizabeth hadn't heard the part where scientists, unlike marines, still had free will.

"Right. I'll just, um, go to the bay and see what I can do then."

So it was that I was marched to certain doom by two men too stupid to realize just how important I was and how bad an idea it was to sacrifice me to an alien turtle.

Turtle was just where I left him, in the center of the bay. Only now, it was surrounded by at least a dozen marines, a few of whom were sporting a nasty injury or two. Before I could speak, turtle had already turned around and raced right up to me, nudging my leg once more.

"I'm sorry, perhaps you missed the part where you were overstaying your welcome," I said. Not that turtle understood. He just kept nudging me and I was convinced I had just entered hell.

There really was only one solution, and it didn't take a genius of my caliber to figure it out. It did, however, apparently take someone like me as far as turtle was concerned. Ignoring the marines' flinches, I started walking toward the jumper, whose hatch had yet to close. Marching in, turtle followed like a two-year-old being led into a candy story.

Taking a seat at the pilot chair, I heard turtle make himself comfortable in the center of the floor. Now it was just time to find the most backward area of the mainland I could find and hope this turtle couldn't find its way home. "Well, I guess it's just you and me now," I said.

Unfortunately, the puddlejumper decided for some reason not to turn on. I flipped the right switches and sent out all the silent commands at least three or four dozen times, but to no avail. The jumper refused to budge.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me. You were working fine ten minutes ago!"

Another swoosh sound and turtle was by my side, nudging my leg.

"What do you want now?"

Its smile would make the Cheshire cat proud.

"You're doing this, aren't you? Well stop it. I'm taking you home and you just have to live with that."

Turtle nudged me again. I was starting to think that was all turtle could do, other than eat all my rations of course.

"What the hell am I saying? Hell, why am I even talking to you?"

Turtle then decided to use an old trick called baring his sharp, pointy teeth.

"Oh, right. Well, then..."

Turtle nudged me again; I think it might even have purred.

"Alright, let's go. Next stop, jumper two." Turtle followed without further comment, and soon we were playing the same old game again. Turtle got comfy on the floor, I headed to the pilot chair, and the jumper refused to start up.

"I don't know how you're doing this, but please stop!"

I grabbed the nearest scanner from a nearby compartment and ran it down turtle's body. A slimy, horrifying wad of spit grabbed hold of my hand as turtle's fang cut right through the Ancient technology. It scarfed the whole meal down in one large bite, but there was enough of a pause for me to notice that the scanner was on even after the turtle let go. "Oh that's just great, isn't it? Who the hell gave a turtle the gene?"

Turtle smiled up at me.

"You're just waiting to eat me, aren't you?"

Turtle and I were still in the midst of our stare-down when Carson's voice came over the headset, _"Rodney."_

"I'm sort of busy at the moment, Carson. Unless you have a way to kill this thing, go away."

"_Actually, I need you to bring the bugger down here. Seeing as how it injured Elizabeth and now a few others, it would be best if I made sure it wasn't carrying anything dangerous."_

"Oh yeah, just keep putting it all on my shoulders why don't you? Would you like me to prove the existence of dark matter while I'm at it? Or perhaps wrestle a tiger into submission, hm?"

"_Ah, quit your buggering and just get it down here."_

Zelenka and the best of my scientists showed up to start dissecting the machinery from head to toe just as turtle and I made our way out of the hatch and toward the infirmary.

Turned out turtle was good for something. As we made our way down the corridor, we passed at least six of my scientists. Each interaction was simple, going something like this:

"Ah. Dr. McKay. You're back. Can you please check my...Oh my God, what is that behind you?"

It was actually entertaining watching them scurry away in panic. And they said I was a coward? Ha! Judging by how fast Dr. Brown bolted, I think she beat the galactic record for fastest twenty kilometer run. I should have given her a trophy or at least a snide remark or two, but turtle was too busy staring at her and not me. "Well, come on," I shouted at it. Turtle slowly turned around and followed with his head down. "Yeah, I think she's cute too. If only she didn't think I was crazy. Maybe it would help if I wasn't talking to you..."

I didn't really know what the deal with turtle was, how he got the gene and how strong it had to have been for him to have so much control, but he was capable of doing more than just stopping jumpers.

"Not as if it isn't obvious, but this is not the infirmary," I said as I exited the lift only to find that we were a number of levels below where we should be. Turtle smiled, that's how I knew he was responsible. That and the fact transporters didn't just randomly take you to the wrong place.

I was just about to press the new destination when turtle used his hundred or so legs to dash out of the lift and into the corridor. If I hadn't seen with my own eyes the direction he had fled, the screams from the commissary sure gave it away.

The place was deserted by the time I got there, except for a marine or two trying to act brave. "What? You want to be eaten? Scat!" Turned out that they could run fast as well.

I turned to turtle who was wasting no time in digging into the buffet line's chow with his frightful large teeth. "What, you just randomly know how to get to the messhall and can control Ancient equipment? This must be a nightmare. Some gigantic nightmare."

Turtle didn't even pause to smile this time.

"Alright, you've had enough. Come on, I have more important things to do than babysit a monster."

Turtle lifted his head, meeting his black eyes to my blue ones. At first, I thought he might actually follow my lead out of the mess, especially once he started walking toward me, but it was too good to be true. Instead, he made his way into a cabinet, forcing it open through a combination of teeth and claws. Now it was my turn to pause. He'd just broken into the motherlode of chocolate.

"Well, I suppose we could pause for just a few minutes." Turtle nudged some chocolate my way and with the messhall empty, there was no one there to complain. Stacking some in my pockets and vest, I waited for turtle to get his own fill before exiting the room.

We arrived at the infirmary only to have about twenty marines scamper out of the way. Each of them held their own turtle badge of courage and was far from ready to receive another. Beckett ushered us into a private area with some of the biologists, where I noticed Sheppard had been moved in the chaos.

"The whole lot wasn't going to let him sleep," Carson explained. "Now let's get a look at you."

Carson took a step forward. Turtle took one back and bared its teeth. Beckett took another step forward and turtle scurried behind me.

"Come now, it won't hurt a bit."

Turtle started to clap his claws.

"For the love of... Rodney, I think you need to be the one to do this. Just find some soft skin and inject this."

"Why? What is it?"

"Just a sedative so we can see what this little...uh...big guy is made of."

Even with the needle in my hand, turtle didn't look happy. "You're not going to hurt him are you?"

"I'm going to do what I have to to make sure no one is going to get sick from this, Rodney."

"What do you mean by that?"

Turtle nudged my leg and this time didn't complain as I reached down to pet his head.

"I mean we'll do what we must. We'll do our best not to hurt it but..."

I looked back at turtle who looked up at me with pleading eyes. "No one is sick right? Why worry about it now?"

"Symptoms can take a long time to show themselves, Rodney. You know that. We should run some tests."

Turtle bared his teeth again, but I kept petting him. "He didn't mean to hurt anyone. He's just scared."

"Aye, but we still have to be sure. He'll probably be fine."

"Probably?"

"It is standard procedure, Rodney."

"You're going to do the same thing to him that you did to the squirrel Major Lorne brought home, aren't you?"

"If it comes to that, yes. It is an alien creature, Rodney." Carson's had us up against a corner now. I glanced from it to the exit and back to Carson.

"He'll hurt you if you try to get to him."

"Which is why we need your help."

"No."

"Excuse me."

"No. I won't let you hurt him. Get out."

"Rodney..."

"Now. Or I...I...I won't stop him from hurting you."

Turtle clicked his claws and bared his teeth for emphasis. "There, you see. He's smarter than to let you near."

A few more clicks, and the turtle dashed right up to them, threatening to run them over without hesitation. Beckett and his cronies bolted.

"What the hell did I just do?" I asked myself, locking the door in their wake.

"Rodney?"

"Colonel?"

"What is going on here?"

"Um...I thought you might like a visitor for uh...a while."

I was going to need reinforcements. It didn't take much to build the robot that attacked my sister and half of my neighborhood, just a little ingenuity. That was exactly what I needed this time. So I grabbed some scalpels, medical devices, and whatever else I could find and set myself to work.

"What are you doing?"

"Turtle will only hold them off for so long. When they find out that turtle is harmless, we'll need some insurance."

"Harmless? Didn't it attack half of my marines?"

"He was scared."

Sheppard gave me one of his looks before falling back onto his pillow. "You're crazy."

"Maybe. Can you hand me that needle over there? Thanks."

Robot attacker number two was far superior to the first, and another one of those great marvels to be attributed to me. It was a tranquilizing robot built to sneak up on its victim and knock them out. Not as cool as shocking, but this was serious business.

Turtle, don't ask me how, managed to crawl up on the foot of Sheppard's bed. At first Sheppard looked ready to complain, but then shrugged. "Any particular reason you're protecting this thing?"

"Chocolate. And the fact he saved our lives. Go to sleep."

"Nah. Not tired anymore. Given any thought as to what we might do next time?"

"Excuse me?"

"Next time. Same time tomorrow, right?"

"You're the one that's crazy, Colonel."

"You're the one protecting a monster turtle."

Turtle started with the purring sound again. My robot built, I went and petted turtle's head without a second thought. It kind of reminded me of my cat.

"It needs a name," Sheppard mumbled somewhere in his dreamless sleep.

"I like calling him Turtle."

"How about George?"

"What is your obsession with naming things?"

"_Rodney, we need you to open the door," _Elizabeth's voice came from the nearby ground where I had dropped my headset. I didn't bother replying.

"_Rodney. I am ordering you to open the door."_

"I don't really like George."

"It looks like a George."

Turtle nodded his head at this, at least I think that was what it was doing. I shrugged, trying to ignore Sheppard's smug look.

"_Rodney, if you don't open that door, so help me."_

It took a good five hours before someone met Mr. Roboto. They'd be out for a good six hours, so I did my best to push them out the door. A few marines took that opportunity to grab onto me, to which turtle responded by racing up to me and clipping its claws at the marines. "Don't shoot!" I shouted, catching sight of the few guns in the room. Idiots. Pathetic idiots.

Lt. Samson got caught in the crossfire, but at least it only nicked his arm.

My activated robots were running loose now, much too small for the marines to notice. When the two that grabbed my arms fell limp, I took my opportunity to race back into the room with turtle covering my back. Locked into safety, I held on to turtle's shell while checking him for injuries.

"They fired at you. With me right there. Are they idiots? Are you hurt, George? They didn't get you right? I'm fine, though." He turned his black eyes down, apparently satisfied that I wasn't lying.

"_Rodney, this is Teyla. May I please come in?"_

"Don't let her. It's just a trick to get George."

"As if I didn't know that, Colonel. Now go to sleep already."

That earned me a few minutes of relaxation, in which turtle...George...was able to cuddle up to me and start resting his head. I started on more robots.

"So what is your excuse?"

"I thought I told you to go to bed."

"You're hiding a turtle and making miniature robots to fight my marines. I personally find it entertaining, what's your excuse for being so crazy?"

"Think twelve robots will be enough?"

"I'd go with thirteen. You do realize you're insane right? Keep going at this pace, and Heightmeyer will fit you to a nice white jacket."

"Fifteen it is."

Turtle had fifteen large circles on his shell, each with varying diameters and skewed in their own ways. The circles varied in color shades as well. What really got to me though, was the way the circles interlapped in symmetric patterns.

"_Rodney, Ronon is coming. I promise we'll take care of your turtle friend, but if you don't allow Ronon to get in there, I won't be responsible for what he does. Rodney?"_

It helped to stare at the shell in order to drown out Elizabeth's voice. Ronon's weapons could probably penetrate it, and that was one step I wasn't about to accept. Turtle looked up at me and wandered toward the door. He understood.

"It's been fun."

"You're telling me."

"I was talking to the turtle, Colonel."

"Oh, well, by all means, don't let me interrupt."

It had the most sorrowful black eyes I had ever seen. "I have to open the door."

I think it moaned.

"I have to, George, because I can't let Ronon kill you. But you do me a favor, okay. If they try to hurt you, bare your teeth and growl. I know you can."

He nodded. I opened the door.

Turtle put up quite the show in defending me, but it was my robots that made me the most proud. Fifteen had been a bit of an underestimate, so there were still a good ten guards left in the room when George finally allowed himself to be dragged away. Teyla took a steady hold of my left arm and someone unknown grabbed my right. I put up quite the fight, desperate to see what they would do to George, but Beckett was as quick with the needle as were my robots. It was time I got some sleep anyway.

SGA

I woke up the next morning with a headache that was probably around a number 5 on the Richter scale. Teyla was between Sheppard's and my own bed. "How are you feeling, Rodney?" she asked in a soothing, calm voice.

"What happened?" I had the fleeting images of turtles running through my head, with claws and feet. What the...

"It turns out you weren't lying about having a cold. An odd Pegasus version of one anyway," Weir said. She was on my other side, her hand resting on my blanket.

"Beckett had cleared me," I mumbled. Bits and pieces broke through the fog.

"He would have had to do a full blood test to find it. It looks like you'll be fine now, though."

"George?" I asked, a little confused.

"The turtle's fine. Carson had him brought back to the mainland. Turned out he was actually as harmless as you claimed."

"Oh."

"The cold had some effect on your hypothalamus. I don't think you were...well..thinking correctly. But if you want, you can go and visit him when you get better."

I nodded, still not sure what to make of all being said. Teyla and Weir, satisfied that I was okay, moved out of the room.

"So what are we going to do tomorrow, Brain?" Sheppard slipped over the edge of his bed, his loud voice paying no respect to the pain in my head.

"Sleep?"

"You did quite the job of entertaining me today. I'm not sure you can top it. But I do expect you to try."

"Sheppard?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

As far as hypothermic stares went, well, they sucked. I much preferred the smile Sheppard was giving me because written all over it was friendship. Sickness or no, I don't know if people realized how much of my insanity was done for Sheppard's humor. I wouldn't tell him that though. This sick excuse was a sure fire way to get Elizabeth to never mention any of this again. Especially the bit about stealing a jumper.

I couldn't believe he still wanted more entertainment. I decided that tomorrow I would build a robot to shock Sheppard just like I did once for my sister. That would at least keep him entertained for a while.

**The End (for now)**

_A/N: If you would like more stories with George, please let me know! I would love to know if there is an interest. Also, please feel free to borrow George for cameos in your stories. He likes stardom._


	3. Rodney's Mermaid Adventure

**Turtle Soup: The George Adventure Series**

This is a series of interconnected but complete humor stories. Rated I for Insanity.

**Index: John and Rodney's Mainland Adventure; Rodney and Turtle's Atlantis Adventure; Rodney's Mermaid Adventure.**

**(Posted separately: John and George's Christmas Adventure)**

* * *

_Big thanks to all my betas/proofreaders. I couldn't do this without you! Hugs to skypig21, KodiakBearCountry, Friendshipper, and Angw. All remaining errors are mine!_

Where we left off: Rodney and John brought back a monster turtle which Elizabeth managed to finally throw out of the city. Turned out Rodney was delusional from an Ancient cold.

* * *

**Rodney's Mermaid Adventure  
**I was in the middle of another escape attempt when Rodney busted through the door, his face red with exhaustion. He saw me out of bed, scowled, and started helping me back. 

"Oh no. Remember what happened last time you escaped the infirmary, Colonel," he mumbled. His words were disjointed between heavy breaths. Once I was back in my prison, he started gesticulating wildly while speaking so fast even I couldn't understand him. And trust me, I was well versed in Rodney quick-speak.

"It was amazing...sun going down...a big splash...a beautiful indigo tail. She was stunning!"

"Mermaids? Are you trying to tell me you saw mermaids?"

Rodney tried to answer but his frenzied speech made him even more breathless. Instead, he gestured with a few points, arm waves, clicks of the fingers, and finally a nod.

"Got it in one. No wonder you passed the MENSA test."

Mind you, this was only a few days after the whole tranqbot incident and about 24 hours since Rodney had been released from the infirmary. While I didn't necessarily believe that mermaids couldn't exist in this world's ocean, the timing was too coincidental. So either Rodney was still insane or he was trying to entertain me again.

Figuring it was the latter, I decided to play along. "Really? So what color hair did she have?"

"Auburn. And her eyes...Oh, her eyes, they were golden, like the sun."

A response like that from Rodney was definitely different. So perhaps insane was the correct choice, after all.

"Really? So'd you ask her on a date?"

"What?"

"The mermaid. It's not every day you meet a beautiful girl from the ocean, and let's face it, it's not everyday that a girl is willing to pay attention to you."

"Oh har har, Colonel. No, I didn't ask her on a date. Truth is that she was only there for a moment before swimming away." He sighed and I rolled my eyes. So Rodney was in love with one of his delusions?

"Look, you don't have to keep entertaining me today. You've done a good job so far, but you should get some rest." Rodney's shoulders were slouched, his clothes wrinkled. His eyes were glazed over and the more the flush disappeared from his cheeks, the more his pallor showed. I could see how weary he really was. "Did you even go to sleep last night?"

"What? Me? No, I wanted to catch up on some of my experiments since Dr. Prison Guard insisted on keeping me here so long. Are you even listening to me? There are mermaids in our ocean!"

"Yes, I heard that part. All night running experiments because you were here for two days? I've been here for two weeks so forgive me if I don't pity you. Now, go get some sleep."

"Pity me? You think I want you to pity me?"

"Sleep, Rodney. Now."

He looked at the bed and then at me. "You do realize that you can't give me orders, right? Especially when you're off duty and we're not off world."

"Rodney..."

"No, no, it's okay. I have better things to do with my time then tell you about one of the greatest discoveries I've made since we got here."

"It's a mermaid, Rodney, not a ZPM."

"Yes! A beautiful woman that lives in the very sea our city dwells on. You of all people should recognize the sheer awesomeness of this discovery. Don't you see? There could be hundreds of them. Maybe more. For all we know, they could actually be related to the Ancients!"

"First of all, that's a stretch even for you. Second, did you just say awesomeness?"

Yup, crazy, whether it be from the tiredness or the sickness, it was full blown, absolute crazy. Ignoring the pain in my leg, I pushed myself up on the bed and examined him. He was serious. I could see that much, and well, I was starting to wonder if I should get Doc. It was one thing when Rodney was crazy and protecting a turtle. It was a completely different thing when Rodney looked about ready to pass out from his madness-induced exhaustion.

"Mermaids with the Ancient gene, Colonel. You have to admit, it's at least a possibility. Or need I remind you of the monster turtles this island carries?" He held his chin aloft in that defiant way of his, even as a distant gleam in his eyes betrayed that he missed George.

"Maybe you should check in with Carson."

"I'm not crazy, Colonel."

I raised an eyebrow, knowing it would be enough of a response.

"Fine. I'll just have to find a way to prove it to you." Rodney made for the door in a huff.

"Just make sure you get some sleep first," I called to him. When he didn't respond, I had to admit I was growing worried. I pressed the call button and asked Nurse Cindy to send for Teyla and Ronon. If anyone could get the physicist to sleep, it would be them.

* * *

I couldn't believe the Colonel. So I went crazy and protected a turtle from Carson's clutches. That didn't mean the mermaids didn't exist. I was completely sane, and certified as such by both Dr. Beckett and the ever-attractive Dr. Heightmeyer. And I did not need sleep. How easily he forgot that I was the master of 48-hour workdays with no break—workdays that have saved his life on more than a few occasions. 

I stopped by my quarters and grabbed the digital camera before hurrying to my lab. There were a few experiments I needed to complete before I could head to the docks. As I typed away on my laptop, my thoughts kept drifting to auburn hair and golden eyes. She really was beautiful, more so than any woman I had ever seen. Had she been calling to me? What was her name?

"Rodney! What are you doing?" Zelenka's harried voice broke into my reverie.

"I'm testing the Ancient device we found on P4X-336. In case you didn't know, that's what I do."

"No, you are running nonsense on your laptop. We will have to redo all of these calculations."

Radek looked more concerned than angry. I looked toward the screen only to find that I had decided five equaled six and the sine of pi over six was one. So maybe Sheppard had been right, maybe I was exhausted.

"You are not okay, Rodney. You should go check in with Carson, or at least get some sleep."

"Fine." I brushed away from my lab, secretly glad to have been kicked out. So Zelenka had just berated me in my own lab? I could make him pay for that later. Right now, I had mermaids to find.

I was almost to the docks when I noticed Ronon and Teyla coming from the opposite direction. Call me paranoid, but I had the distinct impression that a certain lieutenant colonel had just turned me in. Not anxious for another "go to sleep" conversation, I turned on my heels and headed for the lift.

"Rodney. Wait."

I could have pretended not to hear her, but I didn't. I turned to face the both of them, putting on my best smile. "Ah, Teyla. Ronon. What can I do for you?"

"Sleep," Ronon answered without preamble.

Two hands fell onto my shoulders and the next thing I knew, I was being guided to the lift with no way to escape.

"I'm fine," I insisted. "Sheppard is just confused. You understand that, right?"

A grunt from Ronon said otherwise.

"We only wish you well. Be glad we are not taking you to the infirmary."

I went into my quarters like a good boy and even waited there for a good thirty minutes, just in case they thought it necessary to stick around. Unfortunately, it was too much of a bother to make the sliding doors only poke open enough to peer through, so I had to let it open all the way to see if anyone was still around. Grabbing the camera, I made my way back to the docks, this time without incident.

It was raining outside, but I was determined. Setting up one of our field tents right there on the dock, I sat on the ground and waited.

It took some doing to keep my tent from escaping with the wind. The gray ocean was filled with wildlife, but none was what I wanted. After a good few hours of work, I had taken pictures of whales emerging for air, of giant squid-fish bouncing off the water's edge, and even a fish the size of Ronon flipping into the air, but alas my mermaid evaded me.

"Rodney," a Scottish voice called from behind me. Before I could answer, he'd entered my tent and taken his own seat beside me.

"Why, no, Carson, I don't mind company. Why don't you make yourself comfortable?" My sarcasm didn't go over as well as I had hoped. Carson sent me a penetrating stare and a worried glance.

"Ronon and Teyla seem to think that they sent you to bed."

"Yes, well, I'm not twelve, I can make my own bed times."

Carson didn't look so great himself. Sheppard was often the worst of patients, in that he was always, and I mean always, trying to escape. This meant that Carson had to work double time, because Sheppard had a knack for getting past his staff--as evidenced by our little puddlejumper adventure. Carson sighed, and the next thing I knew, I was in a staring competition with him. Unfortunately, I always sucked at those, and sure enough, my gaze dropped first.

"Rodney, you are going to bed. I suspect there's just a trace amount of the virus in your system still, so I'm willing to let you sleep it off in your own quarters. However, if you insist, I could call for security to escort you to the infirmary and then instill the use of restraints to make sure you take bloody care of yourself. Now, then, which will it be?"

He was serious, or at least I think that's what his face said. I suppose all those days of putting up with Sheppard had left him at his wit's end and that was why I was getting the brunt of his anger. Or maybe he was still mad about me carting Sheppard off to the Mainland. He had mentioned something about punishments, if I recalled correctly.

I spent the next eight hours, in my quarters, looking over the Ancient database for any mention of mermaids. Despite all of my hacking, I found nothing.

I then drifted to sleep and dreamed of her. She had an enchanting giggle and kept gesturing for me to follow her in the ocean.

I woke up on the dock, though I didn't remember walking there. The sun was out again, the storm having finally died down. I looked to the sea and there she was, masked by the sun's glow. Frozen in place, I stared with my mouth agape. She smiled softly then giggled.

"Hello?"

She held a single finger to her lips and then giggled again. Waving me forward, she dove back into the ocean. I considered following her, but there was a part of me that was still afraid of the ocean here. It probably had something to do with the way the water had tried to drown me some time before.

The mermaid came back to the surface, her wide cheeks pouting as though she was no more than eight, but I could see she was at least twenty-five or older. Her golden eyes locked on to mine and I found myself entranced. It was as though all the world had disappeared but for this mermaid. I walked forward. Water seeped through my shoes and trousers. The mermaid giggled again, waving me forward once more before diving back into the calm ocean.

There were colors everywhere. Hues of every type I had ever imagined, and some that broke the light spectrum as I knew it. They surrounded me and, though I was in the ocean, I didn't feel the need to breathe. Through the expanse, I could see my mermaid flip her fins and dance, occasionally stopping to giggle.

I kicked with my feet, desperate to keep up. I was only vaguely aware of a bubble that surrounded me, pulling me forward faster than I could swim. It was—as unscientific as this sounds—as though I had slipped into a deep trance.

My mermaid friend was joined by others, equally as beautiful as her. Their hair floated gracefully in the water that surrounded them, and each wore a small bikini top to cover their breasts. Wondering how I would ever explain this adventure to Carson and Sheppard, I watched as the mermaids disappeared into a seemingly empty part of the depths. My bubble brought me to a cabin covered in Ancient technology. "Now we're talking," I said, surprised that my voice worked within the water. Bubbles brushed past, clouding my vision for a few seconds.

I must have passed under a cloak. It was the only reason why I couldn't have seen this place before. Perhaps that was why we had never found it with our sensors, though truth be told, most of this ocean was still a mystery to us.

Speaking of which, the pressure ought to have killed me by then. Huh.

My mermaid friend tapped me on the shoulder, and giggled once more. She pointed to one of the Ancient computers where a screen was activated. "You must help him," they whispered in rounds. "Help him, please. Help him."

I gazed at the screen, trying to make out its image and gasped once I had done so.

"Help him, please."

* * *

"Zelenka to the Infirmary. Medical emergency on the docks." I shouted the words, although they would have heard me well if I had whispered. 

I was checking on a faulty conduit, when I found Rodney on the docks. He was soaking wet and barely breathing. His hair was covered in seaweed, and a distinct fish smell emanated from all around him.

His skin was white and cold to the touch, wrinkled from extended exposure to the water.

Beckett arrived with a team and whisked my boss, and friend, away to the infirmary. I thought back to Rodney making stupid calculation errors and wondered if I should have sent him to the infirmary then.

Sheppard awoke from all the commotion and I saw the worry in his eyes as he tried to determine who the staff was fussing over. Unable to help anymore, I came to Sheppard's bedside just as Elizabeth raced through the door.

"What's going on?" Sheppard tried to move upright, wrinkles on his brow testifying to the pain it caused him.

"I am unsure. Rodney was unconscious when I found him."

"Rodney? Where was he?" The Colonel frowned, his face paler than it had been just a few seconds before.

"On the docks."

Sheppard cursed softly.

"John?" Elizabeth passed him a knowing glare from which the Colonel shrunk away. "I take it you know something about this?"

"He was probably searching for the mermaids."

"Mermaids? There are mermaids here?" I had always wondered since it seemed only fitting that a city on the sea would be accompanied by the mythical creatures.

"Rodney seemed to think so, but he wasn't exactly all there, if you know what I mean."

Teyla and Ronon showed up mid-explanation and all of us waited together for an hour while the medics did everything they could for Rodney. Carson assured us he was going to be fine, but he was running some extra tests to make sure that he hadn't missed anything. He had a guard posted at the door, much to the Colonel's dismay.

"Given Rodney's current state of mind, I think it's best we make sure he stays here. I'm sure you can understand that."

Sheppard nodded, annoyance masking his concern.

"I should return to the labs," I said, as everyone else made their own exits. I saw Sheppard's eyes drifting closed and had no wish to disturb him further. It appeared Rodney was going to be okay, so there was no longer a reason for me to hang around.

I was almost to the door when I heard my name whispered. Rodney was awake. I raced to his bed. "You are crazy man, you know that," I told him while straightening his blanket to make sure he was comfortable.

I moved to alert Dr. Beckett that his patient was back in the land of the living, but Rodney grabbed my arm and stopped me. "Wait."

I could see that Sheppard had regained some energy and was now watching us intently from across the room. There was a loopy smile on his face since Carson had increased his pain meds before exiting.

I pulled up a chair next to Rodney. "Yes, what crazy stories have you today? Did the mermaids try to drown you? Or did you just feel the need to drown yourself?" I was angry and I didn't realize it until the words had come out. Rodney was an arrogant man, but he was also my friend. If I had not found him when I did...

"Sheppard say that? See if I ever tell him anything like that again." He smiled lightly, though I could see it took a lot for him to speak. Rodney was coherent enough, but he looked even wearier than he had in the lab. Falling into the ocean tended to have that effect on someone.

"I say again: You are crazy man."

"Better crazy than stupid."

"There are days I am unsure there is a difference. Now then, what is it that you wanted?"

Rodney's face fell, his expression growing serious. "I need you take me to the Mainland. Now."

"Rodney, I am not so sure..."

"I'm serious, Radek. We have to get to..." He paused, as though catching himself from saying something even crazier than he had already.

"You need rest, Rodney. These adventures are poison to your mind."

Rodney's expression became determined, like it did when he had no intention of backing down. "Radek, I need you to trust me. I'm not crazy. I'm not insane. I didn't try to drown myself. What I do need is your help, and I need it now."

It was hard to argue with him when he was like this, and though part of me was afraid of whatever scheme Rodney had concocted, another part of me was curious and anxious for an adventure.

"This is not an easy thing you are asking. Carson has posted a guard to make sure you don't escape."

"Then knock him out. He's only one guard."

"You speak nonsense again. Rest, Rodney."

"Please, Radek, I need you to do this."

Rodney did not plead. It was one of those rules in life as firm as the rules of physics. But he was pleading now. I looked into his eyes and saw not insanity, but determination.

I turned back toward Sheppard, who was watching us with a his drugged, curious eye. If I were to say no, Rodney would enlist Sheppard in his scheme. Of this much I was certain. Those two were even stupider when plotting together. In many ways, I had no choice but to help, if only to keep the Colonel from hurting himself further.

"Very well, Rodney. But you will owe me big time for this."

"Yes, yes, I'll pay you back someday. Now, can we just get on with this?" A new vigor came into Rodney's expression and I found myself pondering the best way to take out a Marine.

I went with sedatives, since they were the simplest and least messy possibility. Sheppard, who was loopier than a fractal, was smart enough to know we were up to something. Perhaps, had he been in his right mind, he would have tried to stop us. Instead, I convinced him to lure the guard to his bed under the guise of small talk.

"Sir, I'm standing watch," the soldier mumbled, afraid of seeming disrespectful but also afraid to abandon his post.

"Rodriguez, the guy's asleep and unarmed. You can watch him just as well from here."

After some prodding, Rodriguez relented. I approached as if to join the conversation, hiding the needle in my sleeve. Sheppard told a bad joke to which Rodriguez laughed. It was then that I attacked. A second later and he was out cold. I was, admittedly, proud of myself. It wasn't everyday that a scientist took out a Marine.

Shaking my head, and wondering about my own sanity, I helped Rodney out of bed. "I don't suppose you have a plan for how we're going to get to the Mainland without anyone noticing?"

Rodney trembled on his legs as though he had forgotten how to use them. At least his skin was no longer frosty cold. He grabbed onto my arm for support. "No, but we are geniuses. If we can't outsmart Elizabeth, we don't deserve to be here."

It was not Elizabeth so much as the Marines that worried me, but I said little more.

"Have fun!" Sheppard called to us. He grinned sheepishly, a puppy dog look on his face.

"No, Colonel. We can't take you, too. However, I do thank you for your help."

So it was that Rodney and I escaped the infirmary. I was convinced that I was going to get fired for this, or at least incur Carson's wrath. I had heard terrible things about the latter and I knew there was no way this outting could end well.

Stealing a jumper from Atlantis is not as easy as it used to be. Rodney and I had worked hard after the Ford incident to ensure that nothing like that could happen again. It did not help that Elizabeth was wary since Rodney had managed to steal one under her nose just a few days previous. In the end, Rodney used his charm on Miko, who called in a favor from Peterson, who convinced Kavanagh to call in a favor from the tech guy—Bob was it?—who ran the console back in ops. In short, it was one large conspiracy that took place in a matter of minutes that allowed us to lift off the ground without so much as having to explain ourselves. Elizabeth was furious when she raced to the rail to see the jumper taking off, and I feared that coming back to Atlantis could only result in a painful demise.

My only question was how the Marines managed to not catch up with us ahead of time, but I have learned to not dwell on the small miracles in life. Much better to just accept them and not think too much. I suspected Rodney would have my head if he knew I thought this way.

Rodney slouched in the pilot's chair, his pallor more than a little worrying. He had stolen some medical supplies, as if the jumper had not had enough, but still refused to talk about where we were going. He seemed intent on watching the ocean, as though expecting a mermaid to jump out and guide us the rest of the way.

Mermaids, I scoffed. Before it was monster turtles. Even if I had clearance to speak of my life to other people back on earth, I do not think they would believe me. I am still unconvinced that I am not in a coma.

We arrived on the mainland without further incident. "We do not know if Elizabeth is sending guards after us or not, so I suggest you work fast at whatever it is you are up to."

Rodney grunted, securing his pack to his back. "Don't worry, this shouldn't take long. Now then, I think we should go this way..."

"You think?"

"Yes, I think. You can't expect me to know everything all the time."

"It is only you that expects us to believe such things of you, Rodney."

I stayed behind him, if only to catch him if he fell. He was looking better than the unconscious blob I had found some hours before, but he still seemed unwell.

"You should have seen her, Radek."

"Who?"

We trudged through the forest, following the coastline. The wind was calm and the sun's rays burned against his neck, but it was still cool amongst the shaded trees.

"What do you mean who? The mermaid, of course."

"So it is true, then! You tried to kill yourself searching for mystical creatures?"

"Don't be an idiot, Radek. You're smarter than that. I just followed the mermaids into the ocean where they showed me an amazing outpost."

"I don't suppose they gave you gills, because you do realize such an adventure would make you drown."

"Have faith, Radek."

"Yes, the fact you say such things now tells me you are not thinking normally. Perhaps we should head back."

Rodney swung around and then back, examining the forest as though he were a predator looking for prey. While I had seen Ronon in such a mood, it was strange to see Rodney like this.

"We're not going back. Not when he needs our help."

"He? Who?"

"Well not the mermaid, of course."

"Obviously. So he who?"

"George. Really, don't you pay attention at all?"

My head was beginning to hurt. Rodney was difficult to follow at times; this was true, but normally I could keep up with him. Today, however, he was a mad genius on the prowl, and I was his unlikely accomplice.

"George from engineering? He's fine. I saw him..."

"No, not that George. George as in Turtle George."

My feet planted themselves to the ground. I stared forward, disbelieving what I had just heard. "Rodney..."

"Radek..." He turned to face me, and although he did not look crazy, I was still frightened.

"You speak of turtle. As in the giant monster turtle it took three dozen marines to get away from our city?"

"One and the same. I don't know any other turtles. Although I suppose having one here would make sense..."

"That is it. We are heading back right now."

"No, we're continuing forward."

I shook my head, wondering if I should pull out the zat I stole just in case Rodney truly was insane. "Rodney, it is a monster with large, sharp claws and teeth. There is no good reason to seek it out."

"Except that he is sick and needs our help. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not heartless and if I know someone is sick I'm going to try and help."

I gazed around the forest, hoping that Elizabeth had the foresight to send someone after us. Her fury would be great, yes, but... "How would you know that it is sick? You were on Atlantis and it is here."

"I have my ways."

"Let me guess, Rodney. The mermaids told you?"

"Yes, actually. Now that one mystery is solved, would you please help me find George?"

He was as a kid looking for his lost puppy, and there was real, honest concern in his eyes. "You are making no sense, my friend."

"There!" Rodney's eyes grew wide as he pointed out into the distance, waving his arms into the air. "George!"

Rodney had many years of running from bad things, so he had become much faster than myself. I raced after him as he sprinted toward the clearing, where a giant turtle sat, unmoving.

"George?" Rodney placed his hand on the shell, caressing it as he would his cat. "We're going to get you help, okay? Just hang on."

He was as much afraid for this turtle as I was afraid for his sanity. But the turtle did indeed look sick based on how it hung its head low and failed to click its claws.

Rodney injected something into his soft neck.

"What is that?"

"The mermaids said it would help until we could bring George to them."

"Oh, right." Not much else I could say really.

George seemed to gain some energy after that. It moved up onto its hundred or so legs and started following us back to the jumper at a slow, lethargic pace.

"So how would the mermaids know George was sick?" I didn't buy Rodney's story, but I could not deny George's illness. Perhaps it would help to hear more details.

"I don't know. He's connected to the island or something. I think many of the creatures here are. The mermaids and George have the gene, somehow, and I'm thinking they might be guardians of a sort for this whole planet."

"They have the gene? Here, give me your life signs detector."

Rodney handed it over without a question, probably because his thoughts were entirely on the turtle. I took the device and placed it on the turtle. It began to glow. So there was some truth to Rodney's delusion after all.

"You do realize what Elizabeth will do to us when we bring home the monster turtle?"

"Strangely enough, I don't care. If you want, you can say I forced you to help me at gunpoint, but all I want is to get George home and safe."

He caressed its head as he said this, and the turtle clapped his claws lightly in response. I jumped back, afraid that the monster might decide to clip me, but when it made no other movements, I continued forward again.

The turtle was large enough that it took up most of the space in the jumper. As we flew back from the mainland we noticed another jumper on the sand. Perhaps it was the Marines and doctors coming in search of us. I did not want to think about it too carefully.

When we arrived, Rodney did not bother taking the jumper into the bay, but rather stopped at the dock. Already, Elizabeth was threatening us over the radio and I could hear her call the Marines to our location.

"How exactly are the mermaids going to help him if George doesn't belong in the water? You do realize pushing him in will drown him?" I said this because I was unsure at this point if Rodney would be stupid enough to try this, and part of me was sure that he was. As I had told him, craziness and stupidity are often hard to tell apart.

"He'll be fine," Rodney assured me.

I could hear the sound of boots stomping behind me and I knew the military had arrived.

"Rodney, Radek." Elizabeth's cold eyes bore into mine when I spun around.

"I am sure Rodney can explain everything." Though Rodney had yet to acknowledge her presence. He was busy mumbling something to the turtle.

It was then that Elizabeth's eyes widened in terror and the soldiers raised their P-90s.

"You did not bring that here..."

"It is possible it came on its own," I tried explaining. She wasn't buying it.

"Rodney, you are to get that turtle out of here now, do I make myself clear?"

Rodney had yet to acknowledge her, so Lorne stepped forward, clasping his hand on the crazy man's shoulder. "Rodney."

"Yes, yes. Wait just a minute. Can't you see that I'm trying to say goodbye?"

Carson was next to appear on the scene, muttering a quick "Bloody hell" upon seeing the monster turtle.

"Rodney," Elizabeth's voice was softer now, as though she were dealing with a very young child. She was, in fact, dealing with Rodney, so it was not so far off.

"Just wait for it. Wait for it."

A splash crashed against the ocean surface. I faced the sea only to find a beautiful woman with flowing auburn hair that danced in the wind as though the strands had never touched water. Her indigo tail flipped into the air. She was every bit as beautiful as Rodney had described.

I was frozen in place as I watched Rodney push the turtle out toward her. It fell into the sea, its head disappearing beneath the surface.

Rodney watched it go, waving sadly. "Get well soon," he called out to the vast ocean.

Elizabeth's expression was an amalgamation of shock, fear, anger, and I'm not really sure what else. The Marines behind her looked similarly confused.

"You didn't just drown that thing, did you?" Lorne stared down into the waters as though afraid of what he might see.

"What? Of course not! He was sick so I had to send him to the mermaids."

"Ah, now it all makes sense." Lorne smiled and nodded. It was the most any of us could do.

"Yes, so you were saying something, Elizabeth?" Rodney held his hands behind his back, his head held high.

She seemed incapable of speech as her face contorted with various expressions. She opened her mouth once or twice, but no sound came out. At last she whispered. "Infirmary. Both of you. Now."

* * *

I felt sorry for dragging Radek into my scheme, but really there was no way to escape without him. Not while everyone thought I was crazy anyway. He held his head low when we entered the infirmary, and John immediately started asking us questions about how things went and if Elizabeth was going to throw us in the brig or not. The simple fact that the idea seemed to appeal to him worried me. 

The best part, though, was when Radek confirmed my story on the mermaids.

"Really?" Sheppard shook his head laughing. "Well, if they're any bit as beautiful as you say, you'll have to introduce me."

Elizabeth uncovered most of our conspirators, and apparently saving George's life wasn't enough for her to just let things go. Maybe it was because everyone was willing to help the crazy guy and that couldn't be good for our security. Well, you win some; you lose some. I didn't know what punishment she had in mind, but I didn't care much. Maybe I was still sick, because helping George seemed worth whatever she might have in mind. When had I become such a softy?

It was a few days later when I heard the mermaids call to me in my dreams. I returned to the dock, but this time, I took Radek with me. Oh yeah, and we had absconded with Sheppard from the infirmary.

"Any idea what she wants?" Sheppard asked, grinning. "Perhaps she wants you to save a bird or join her colony or maybe she wants you to grow gills."

"Yes, you mock me now, but just remember, I was right all along when you thought I was crazy. And I just helped you escape the infirmary, _again_, so don't be so cocky."

I heard a familiar giggle and looked out to the sea. Sure enough, my mermaid had returned.

Sheppard doned a full boyish grin out and reached his hand out. "Hi, I'm John Sheppard." The mermaid ignored it. She giggled again and jumped back into the sea.

"Don't even start, McKay," he ordered, as I grinned back at him.

A new sound called my attention back to the ocean. I saw the claws first and then the deep green shell.

John started humming a tune under his breath that sounded suspiciously like "And the cat came back the very next day." Radek just groaned, and took some steps back.

George purred softly as he brushed his head against my side. I couldn't help but ask, "Do you think Elizabeth will let me keep him this time?"

The End (For Now)

* * *

A/N: There is a new George story available that doesn't fall in directly after this story so I posted it separately. If you want more George, read John and George's Christmas Adventure. 


	4. The Trouble with Turtles

**Title: The Trouble with Turtles: Carson's George Adventure 1/2  
**

Author: Tazmy

Beta Team: Big hugs and thanks to everyone that helped including KodiakBear, Friendshipper, WithApostrophe, Angw, and Iamrighthere.

Characters: Carson, Rodney, John, and pretty much everyone else

Description: Carson learns the truth behind George and the mermaids.

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis does not belong to me. I make no profit from this.

A/N: This takes place directly after Rodney's Mermaid Adventure. Set in the first half of Season Three. No spoilers. Posted in two parts. Part two will be put up as soon as possible.

* * *

When I first came to Atlantis, I was told it might be a one-way mission into the unknown. I should have stopped right there and walked out. I may be a doctor and I may specialize in research, but no way did I have any business coming here. My poor mother was so upset when I told her I was leaving, but in the end it was she who told me to go. 

"If it is as big an opportunity as you say, Carson love, then go wherever it is they are sending you," Mum had said. "You always wanted to make a difference and this might be a good opportunity. Don't stay on account of me."

In the end, I probably should have found a reason to stay, but there was no use dwelling on that. I was in Pegasus and even though I had a way back, I still hadn't taken it. Maybe it was because my friends were here or maybe it was because I knew how invaluable a good doctor was in this galaxy. Honestly, I think I just needed to be checked into the nearest mental institution.

Well, whatever the reason, I was here and thus trapped in the complete madness of the Pegasus Galaxy. And wasn't this place a piece of work if ever there was one? Monsters that wanted to suck out my soul. Farmers that played soldier and got others killed. But nothing scared me more than the realization that I couldn't always trust those close to me. Sometimes they were possessed. Sometimes viruses infected them, causing insanity. And most of the time it came down to me to make that call and to fix whatever was wrong.

I thought of all this as I watched a giant turtle crawl back onto Atlantis's dock. And see, right there was half of the problem. A monster, complete with giant claws and fangs, was about 500 feet away from me, and I was just standing there staring as Rodney coddled the thing.

So as it turned out, Rodney had been right about the mermaids in Atlantis's ocean. Real, honest to God mermaids, which healed giant turtles and resisted John's charm. As a medical doctor, I was thinking I need to start examining all of our heads, but I'd seen enough of this galaxy to know that sometimes crazy stuff just happened and there was nothing to fix that.

I continued to watch the three conspirators on the dock. John and Radek watched while Rodney hugged the monster as if it were nothing more than a pet cat. He was asking if Elizabeth would let him keep the turtle. I was just wondering why I hadn't called security yet. Maybe I didn't want to patch up the guards when they tried to kick that blasted turtle out of the city again.

"I suppose we could always hide him if Elizabeth won't let you keep him," John responded.

Zelenka muttered something in his native tongue, probably wondering how he managed to get wrapped up in this whole mess.

It was at this time I decided to clear my throat and make my presence known. You had to speak loud and look menacing when dealing with these troublemakers. "I'm not sure what's worse: absconding with my patient again, or bringing that turtle back with you."

The lot of them whipped around with decidedly guilty expressions. You'd think I was God himself come to display my wrath.

"Carson!"

"Aye, last time I checked."

Radek was trying to back away without being noticed, but he wasn't doing the best job of it. The Colonel, stuck in his wheelchair, wasn't going anywhere. That left Rodney, who instead of running, stepped in front of the monster turtle as though protecting it from me.

"Alright, I'll be taking the Colonel back to the infirmary again. I expect to see both of you there within the next two hours so I can properly berate you for all of this."

I grabbed hold of John's wheelchair and headed away from the docks, leaving Radek and Rodney to their latest scheme. Radek seemed to realize what was happening and what he was about to be dragged into, his eyes going wide behind his glasses. As I left, I could see him waving his hands, explaining why he would have nothing to do with hiding the turtle.

"Don't be too hard on them, Doc. Sometimes we have to find our own entertainment around here," John said as I pushed him closer to the infirmary. He wasn't fighting me or telling me to go back, and I suspected that had more to do with buying Rodney time than anything else.

"And you have to do it at the sake of my sanity, do you? And don't you begin to think they're the only ones in trouble."

John grinned in response, not at all threatened by my tone. "Give it time. George will grow on you."

It took but a few moments to get John back in bed and hooked up to the machines, again. He'd been making some excellent process on the healing front, and with any luck he'd be back to his quarters in a day or two. I knew my staff would be thankful and it would be nice to stop having to play bad guy. I didn't blame him for wanting to escape. I just wished he'd stop doing it on my watch.

My radio chirped, followed by a multitude of chatter. It sounded like George had been spotted and Rodney and Radek were on the run with him. I started prepping my gear for any injuries that would be incurred from this fiasco, wondering why I ever agreed to come to Atlantis in the first place. A nice, calm, family practice was what I needed. Not this madness.

I heard a few screams echo down the corridor. One of my nurses, Cindy, whipped around. She dropped her beaker, which went crashing to the floor. "What the…?"

"I'd say that would be Rodney and his turtle. You'd best get some sedatives ready."

She didn't have to ask "what turtle?" Her terrified expression would have bought her an Oscar for a horror film, and I'm not sure mine was any better. How could Rodney think that thing was harmless? Well, I'm still not convinced he was completely sane yet—or ever really was.

"Carson!" Rodney's voice called, followed by the familiar clicks of the turtle's claws.

"Don't you dare bring that thing in here. I mean it, Rodney, I will…"

Too late—the trio had arrived, Radek looking especially perturbed.

"I need you to run some tests on George. See if you can figure out what was wrong with him."

"What happened to you not letting me near him?"

"That was then. I was thinking and I wonder if something else is going on around here. I can't shake the feeling that we're missing something, and I think we can find it if you run your tests. But that doesn't mean you can do what you did to the squirrel, because I don't want you to hurt George; I only want to know if you know what is going on with him."

I was used to Rodney's incessant speech, quick-paced as it was. But it took a few blinks before I processed what he was saying.

"What are you on about?"

"I think the mermaids are trying to tell us something. That there's more to this whole sick thing and stuff."

"I see, and why would you think that?"

Radek cleared this throat, making sure not to look directly at me. "Apparently the mermaids told him."

"They came back after I left?"

"No, no, apparently they can speak in his head now."

Rodney crossed his arms with an angry glare. "Hey, I was right about them existing in the first place, wasn't I? I wasn't crazy then and I'm not now, so have a little more faith in the man who's saved your life on more than a few occasions!"

The turtle nudged Rodney's leg as though offering him support and comfort.

Really, the last few weeks had just been one ridiculous adventure after another. Couldn't it be over? Couldn't I just wake up now and find this was all some insane dream?

"The mermaids told you? In your head? So now the mermaids are psychic?"

"Not in my head…in a vision. Ask Radek! He was there."

"All I remember is you collapsing for a moment and then jolting awake. Then you started blabbing about how we were missing the point."

Cindy had a sedative in hand, carefully maneuvering herself behind Rodney without them noticing. She was holding back, waiting to see if Rodney flipped out as he had so many times recently.

"You collapsed, Rodney?" Immediately I was making a survey of his features. His eyes were a bit sunken, his shoulders slouched, but he looked healthier than he had been for a while.

"I'm fine. Look, can you just examine George for me?"

I glanced from turtle to friend and back again, and then with a lingering sigh, nodded my head. "Aye, but only if you let me examine you as well."

That's when the Marines caught up to us. A dozen P-90's aimed at George, to which the turtle responded with vicious clips of his claws. Rodney forgot about protecting his pet from me, and stepped between George and the guards. "For crying out loud, he's not going to hurt anyone! Put those things away before someone gets injured."

Marines, as it turned out, had decent enough memories. None seemed anxious to fire their guns and they all looked ready to run. They glanced at one another, hoping someone would make the first move. That's when Major Lorne arrived on the scene.

"McKay, step out of the way."

"No."

"We're not going to hurt it; we're just going to take it back to its natural habitat. That's all."

"No. He belongs here."

"He's a turtle, Rodney."

How the Major managed to stay so calm was beyond me. He had lowered his weapon, reaching a hand out as though it would tame Rodney. He apparently hadn't noticed Cindy either, who had quickly backed against the nearest wall and away from the turtle's furious clicks. Me? I was getting tired of this scene playing out again and again. What did it take to get rid of one insufferable turtle?

"We need to check him out. Tell him, Carson. Tell him that you were…"

That was the problem with being Rodney's friend. You always ended up in positions you really didn't want to deal with. I took a step forward, finding the courage to do as Rodney asked. "Aye, I wanted to run a few tests."

Lorne gave me a look that asked if I had joined the world of insanity, but he had been there to see the mermaids so he knew it wasn't all madness.

"Stand down," Lorne finally ordered. The Marines looked all too happy to comply. Even so, their wary stares never once left the turtle's. Man, those were sharp claws and teeth.

I took a tentative step or two forward toward George—the turtle. What was it with naming things? He showed no signs of aggression, and Rodney was whispering to the thing, assuring it that it would be okay.

"Steady now. I don't want any trouble from you."

When I was close enough, George smelled me, his sharp teeth far too close to my skin for my liking. My poor heart couldn't take much more of this. I was as nervous as if this were a Wraith reaching its hand out. In the end, George purred and rubbed his head against my leg.

…

"You found something?" Rodney was dressed in scrubs now, having his arm poked and prodded by Cindy. I knew I had sent him through enough tests over the past month to last a year, but I still wasn't sure of his sanity and my instincts kept gnawing at me to keep checking. That was one thing you learned in medical school: Medicine was half investigation, and you might have to keep searching until you found something worthwhile. Well, I was searching all right, and Rodney would be giving me quite the hard time for it if he wasn't so concerned with his new-found pet.

"He's an alien turtle with an Ancient gene. What makes you think I have the slightest idea how to go about checking if he's sick? I don't know what normal is for him."

"But you found something?"

I gave a dramatic sigh, plopping into a nearby chair. "Aye, Rodney, I found something." Part of me wished Radek were still here, ready to justify the information I had found and the steps I was about to take.

Rodney silently nudged me to continue, but I was too busy trying to find the words. What I was about to propose…well, it was madness. Insanity as sure as the insanity Rodney had been carrying around for a few weeks now. Mermaids and monsters…what a world I lived in.

"Hello. Earth to Carson. What did you find? I'm not getting any younger over here."

"He has some form of the Ancient virus that affected you, but it's different. Some antibodies seem to have been entered into his system and are countering the effects. I should probably run anyone who's been in contact with George through a few tests, just in case."

Rodney kicked his legs back and forth against the table, the movement making me just a tad dizzy. I felt something rough under my fingers, like an old rug that hadn't been cleaned in years. I turned around and flinched back, realizing I had absently been petting George's head. He was looking up at me, and for a moment, I thought he actually looked sweet. Maybe I should be the first one we tested for the illness?

"I don't know, Rodney. I know nothing of his physiology except what was in the databanks. there's no way to—"

"You found him in the databanks?" Rodney immediately perked up, waving my nurses away with flailing arms. "You found information about him and you didn't tell me! What, what is he? Why does he have the gene? Did you find the mermaids, as well, because I couldn't find any information about them and…"

"Calm down for a moment, and I can tell you. Yes, I found information on turtles of his type, but not much. Apparently they live for thousands of years and they rarely reproduce. There were about fifty of them in existence ten thousand years ago. There's no mention of them having the gene, however, nor any mention of a virus that might have been affecting them."

Rodney processed the information with that genius look of his. That was one thing about Rodney: as much as he mocked my science, he did understand it when he wanted to. It didn't take much for him to learn a concept or to catch any of the subtleties therein.

"So if George has the gene, an Ancient gave it to him without the others knowing?"

"Maybe. It's a good bet. Perhaps some kind of illicit experimentation with the animals. Might explain why you couldn't find anything about the mermaids either."

I waved Cindy away from Rodney, seeing that nothing was going to get done with all the arm flailing. There was only one person who could keep Rodney still and I just had the misfortune of being that person.

"We have to go to the research post. If the mermaids were able to help George, then most of the answers probably exist there. What if this virus is affecting the whole planet and they know about it? We should do something and start by seeing what is down there."

Ah, and there was the suggestion I had been avoiding. I kept my gaze on the beige strip of rubber I had just wrapped around his upper arm, and mumbled, "Aye, we should."

I think he was expecting me to disagree, because he whipped around and fixed me with a tight stare. "You agree?" he asked incredulously.

I nodded. "Aye, I might be crazy right along with you, or I may not be. Bottom line is that I trust you, Rodney, and I'm sorry I didn't believe you about the mermaids. If your instinct says that something is going on that we need to figure out, I'm willing to go with that. I've already told Elizabeth to come down here when she finds a moment."

"What did she say about George?"

"About you bringing him back here? She wasn't too happy, that's for sure, but I think she'll hear us out anyway."

"Well," Rodney said, trying to sound as casual as possible, "I guess it's settled then."

…

I like to think I've gotten to know Elizabeth pretty well between my time in Antarctica and on Atlantis. She hides her exhaustion and frustrations well most of the time, but those of us who are close to her, well, she can't hide it from us. And it's part of my job to make sure she doesn't overexert herself, so I make it a point to pay close attention.

When she walked into the infirmary, I'd say she was fuming. She looked from the sleeping colonel to Rodney, who I had once more, much to my amazement, given another clean bill of health. "Tell me that I heard the message wrong. Tell me there is not a dangerous monster turtle back in my city, ready to terrorize the inhabitants. Tell me that Chuck was mistaken, Rodney."

George had wandered into the isolation room, but peeked its sharp-toothed face through the door at Elizabeth's voice. For a moment, I thought Elizabeth might just faint at the sight of it.

"Rodney!"

Now Rodney's a stubborn guy and any amount of yelling usually just goes in one ear and out the other. Even Elizabeth's cold stares could only break so far through that ego of steel. So, sensing that further hostilities would only lead to a bigger migraine for Elizabeth, I stepped in.

"With your permission, I'd like to take a jumper and check out this outpost Rodney spoke of."

"Really?" Her stance relaxed as she surveyed me with a confused stare.

"Aye. I think there might be more going on here, and it wouldn't hurt to check it out."

It took some time and a little bit of explanation, but she relented just as I knew that she would. What I wasn't expecting was for John to wake up and insist on going with us.

"You can't be serious," Rodney sputtered before I was able to. "Are you sure you haven't caught the virus?"

John ignored Rodney, keeping his argument aimed at me. I supposed that made sense, seeing as I was the one who would make the final decision. "C'mon doc, you've kept me locked in here for ages. My leg's almost healed and I'm not one to give up on taking a jumper through the ocean."

Rodney's face turned a little gray at that remark, and I wondered for a moment if he might lose his resolve. For the first time since this started, he seemed to remember that traveling underwater in a jumper just wasn't his idea of a good time—and there wasn't always a whale down there to save a drowning life. But he seemed to catch my gaze and gain back his color, especially after petting George's head that was once more brushing against his leg. He eased a bit and I was left the only one uneasy with the whole idea.

"I can't let you come, John. I'd be a negligent doctor if I did."

"You're a negligent friend if you don't let me in on the action. C'mon, you'll be there. We can have Lorne do the driving. What's the problem?"

"I just brought you down here in a wheelchair."

"Which I didn't need!"

"I could feel the aneurysm growing in my brain. "Then why did you have it with you?"

"Rodney insisted."

"Aye, and I'm sure that was only an attempt to try and quell my wrath."

"Come on, Doc. You said yourself that you were going to release me tomorrow."

I've been accused once or twice of being a mother hen, and I'm not denying that it's true. I like to take care of people and that's why I became a doctor in the first place. So why was it that all the Colonel had to do was flash one of his boyish grins or insistent military stares to make me back down? It just didn't have any reason to it. I told myself I was agreeing because if I didn't let him go now, he'd try to follow us in his own jumper later, but in the end, I just didn't feel like arguing anymore. Weeks of it had taken all the bite out of me.

"I suppose it won't do any harm. Providing you do as I say and don't leave my sight."

Sucker. It might as well have been painted right across my face for all the world to see.

…

Traveling in the ocean in a Puddlejumper is…well…unnerving. I can't help but think of Rodney trapped in this thing with the water rising. What if the same happened to us? I wasn't made for these off city trips. Heck, I wasn't made to exist in this galaxy.

"You doing alright, Doc?" John asked. He wasn't pale anymore, and being in the jumper seemed to have increased his energy tenfold.

"Aye, I'm good." I'm just in search of a mermaid outpost with one possibly crazy man, an injured soldier, and a giant turtle that absolutely insisted on coming with us. Really, the thing just held onto Rodney by wrapping his claws around him and refusing to budge. Rodney didn't complain much about it, instead nodding his head and assuring it that he wouldn't leave it behind. Great… Just the traveling companion I'd always dreamed of.

George stared at me and I stared back. Rodney was busy checking the scans from the ocean while Lorne took care of the driving. That left John caressing George's shell while I kept a good distance. See, I always loved turtles, and I even figured if I owned a pet, that's what I'd have, but I fancied them on the small side—preferably with less teeth.

"Huh, I'm getting strange energy readings. Take us down two klicks and swing left." Rodney didn't even look up from his scanner as he spoke.

Lorne gave a wary eye to the turtle and Rodney, then one to me that asked if I was sure about this whole thing. I just shrugged. I had seen my blood tests for myself and they were clear of the virus, so I was here of my own free will. Even if I had as hard a time believing that as Major Lorne did.

I didn't feel the jumper turn, but I did notice a change in the bubbles. I gasped as a woman came into view. A beautiful lass with flowing auburn hair and an indigo tail floated right by us, causing my heart to do all kinds of fluttering. She winked, apparently giggled, and then pushed forward into the ocean, disappearing from sight before she had traveled far enough.

George perked up immediately, rushing toward the front and nearly knocking Lorne out of his seat. I think the Marine might have screamed lightly, but I'm not admitting to hearing a thing. I held on tightly to the nearest wall as everything straightened out. George backed away with his head lowered, as though he knew he had done something wrong.

"Tell me again why I agreed to this?" Lorne asked as he righted the jumper. A second later and the blue ocean had disappeared, making way to gray walls filled with monitors.

"_Control to Jumper one. I just lost your signal. Please come in."_

Radek's voice was broken, but it was easy enough to tell what he had said. Lorne was busy trying to answer back as Rodney fiddled more with the controls.

"We've entered the cloaking device I mentioned," he explained. "Looks like we're here."

John pushed up from his seat with a giant grin. "Well, then, I guess we should introduce ourselves to our new friends."

Seeing as the chamber was filled with water, there was only one way. John limped to the nearest console and pressed the communication button. "This is Colonel John Sheppard. We, uh, have it on good authority that you wanted us to come down here."

The mermaids replied with giggles. They swooped in front of the window, waved, and flipped their fins. Ah, such beautiful ladies they were.

I chuckled a bit at this, because talking to mermaids had to be one of the stranger things we had ever done. I was reminded of Peter Pan and Neverland, and then I couldn't help wondering how trustworthy these girls were. We didn't know a bit about them, after all.

"So, we were just going to look around, assuming that's okay with you."

Again, more giggles and waves.

"Okay then."

John cut the communications, slouching in the copilot's chair. He wasn't used to women not responding to his charm, and I could see it was bothering him some. It was also killing him not to be doing the piloting, but there was only so far I was willing to go with this adventure. He turned around as if to say he was going to take over, daring me to challenge him, but words never passed. His eyes went wide as he looked up. "Rodney!" he called.

I whipped around to see Rodney falling back against the bulkhead, holding his head as he did so. I jumped to my feet and raced to him, though George was quicker. Rodney caught himself on the shell just as I reached for his arm. "Rodney? What's going on?"

Checking stats was a second nature to me. I took note of his rapid pulse and cold skin, while I forced my friendship worry to a hidden place where it wouldn't affect my work.

John was by our side a second later, and he helped me lead Rodney around the ever-present George and to a nearby bench. The turtle played his part in keeping John from toppling over. I knew it then, as I should have known it before, that there was no way this mission could end well.

"We should head back to Atlantis," I called. Rodney's silence hadn't gone unnoticed, and that unnerved me more than anything else could.

"C'mon McKay, tell us what's going on." John was rubbing Rodney's shoulders, offering comfort while trying to hide the worry. He was a darned good team leader and an even better friend. Couldn't have asked for a better man to be heading up Rodney's team.

Meanwhile George was nudging some stolen chocolate in Rodney's direction, but my friend wasn't accepting any of it. Yes, there was definitely cause for concern.

"We should stay," Rodney mumbled between deep breaths. His eyes clenched shut, before glancing out the viewing window where gray was making way to blue. When no one moved to change that fact, he gave a half-hearted attempt to push us back. "No, I mean it. We need to stay and find out what is happening!"

I never should have approved of this little adventure, much less pushed for it, but I nodded to Lorne to do as he said. The gray returned and three lovely mermaids circled the viewing window.

"Rodney…" John fixed his friend with a commanding stare. He was one of the few that could do something like that and get Rodney to listen or, as in this case, talk.

"I just got dizzy, that's all. I…I could hear them again. I, uh, I have an idea of what we're here for."

"So, what, telepathic mermaids that only communicate with _you_ and cause horrible side-effects when they do? That's a new one for the books." John nudged Rodney lightly. He sort of smiled back, his left hand petting George who was baring his teeth at John, apparently not taking too kindly to what he thought was someone making fun of Rodney. John offered a grin and that seemed enough to get George to settle.

"You're just jealous that the mermaids like me more," Rodney replied.

Satisfied that Rodney's stats were stabilizing, I stood up and stretched. Telepathic mermaids? John may have said it jokingly, but he was as worried about it as I was. But the mermaids _had_ communicated with him before and anything _was_ possible.

"All right, Rodney. It's your call. What do we need to be doing? You got thirty minutes before I drag you back to the infirmary."

Rodney always held his eyes low when he was in pain, and he was quicker than most to build some sweat. So, even as he stood up, walked back to his console, and began typing away, I could see he still wasn't doing too well. Now normally, he wouldn't be the type to hide it, but he wasn't about to do anything that might make me recall this mission. So I respected his silence without asking any more questions. I did pass him some acetaminophen and water, which he took without complaint. At least he wasn't like John, who was little more than a two-year-old when it came to taking meds.

Rodney toiled away at the controls for a few moments, while the rest of the jumper remained silent. John stared at the mermaids with his jaw agape, and Lorne and I did much of the same. At last, Rodney broke the silence.

"There it is!" his excited voice called.

"What's right where?" John asked, leaning a bit on George in order to make it look like he was standing unaided. Not that that was fooling me one bit.

"Give me a moment, I need to hotlink our database with theirs and…yes, I got it. All right, someone needs to go out there and follow our friends to the elixir. That would be me since, uh, they seem to only respond to me." He placed his arms proudly on his hips, sparing a grin towards a perturbed John.

"Elixir?" I asked. Of all the nouns I'd expect Rodney to use for whatever we were searching for, I didn't think that one would be it. It was too voodoo-like, he would say, and I wasn't sure I'd disagree.

"Yes, elixir. Try to stay with me. We also need to grab some of the samples that are apparently boxed away in one of the corners."

"It's during times like this that a transporter would sure come in handy," Lorne remarked.

He wasn't the first one to say it, actually. It had often come up how strange it was that the jumpers were loaded with technology but not transporters. Had the Ancients never thought that someone might want to take an object or person from outside without having to open the doors? There was, after all, something to be said for not exposing the inhabitants to water or space.

Rodney stared at us as if we were completely missing the point of his conversation. After a wordless moment, he threw his arms into the air. "Of course a transporter would come in handy! But do you see one around here? Because I sure don't."

"So what's the plan?" John asked, leaning casually against the bulkhead.

"Well, we can't extend the shields far enough to encompass the whole facility."

"So you give me coordinates and we extend the shield just far enough to grab the object?" Lorne asked.

"No, that would take forever and from these readings this place is quite large. Some of the stuff is in other rooms and we're not going to fit a jumper through any of the doors."

It was clear Rodney had already figured out a plan before we had started asking questions; he was just waiting for us to turn to him. And there was no harm in posing the question. "So how exactly do you expect to be going out there? It's too deep for a suit."

"I have it covered, Carson. Believe it or not I do have a degree in science and I do know what I am doing."

"Care to let us in on this plan?" John stopped petting George and fell back onto the bench. There was a wee bit of sweat on his forehead from all the exertion, but he was the one who had insisted on taking this journey. It wasn't as if I had much of a choice in keeping him back. Well, maybe I did, but that's not really the point.

"I came down here before, remember, and I survived that fine. I'll just do the same thing this time."

I shook my head in dismay. "You mean when Radek had to call for an emergency team because you had stopped breathing? Because I think your body's had enough hypoxia to last a lifetime, Rodney."

"See," John muttered. "That's what I call a bad plan."

Rodney, however, wasn't convinced. "I'll be fine! Major," he called, clicking his fingers as if he could control the world with the single movement. "I'm going to extend our shield just far enough to let me stand on part of the outpost. Open the doors and then close them behind me. Wait until I give the signal and then disable the shield until I'm out of the vicinity. After that, you can take off and meet me in Atlantis. Our new lady friends will help me find my way to the docks. Understand?"

"No!" three voices shouted in unison. Lorne whipped around in his chair, John stood up too fast and nearly toppled forward (once more caught by George), and I just stood there, a deer caught in the headlights.

"What's the problem?" Rodney's arms flailed into the air, the way they did when he felt he was dealing with idiots. I was beginning to wonder if he even realized how crazy he seemed.

"First of all, you nearly collapsed twice today and you were in quite the bit of pain a few minutes ago. Now you want us to basically let the pressure of the ocean crush you? I have to agree with the Colonel—It's a bad a plan."

"The mermaids will protect me."

"Oh they will, will they? And just how are they supposed to do that?"

"The same way they did last time. Didn't we just go through this?"

I dropped down on the seat next to John, placing my head in my palms. I had to be missing something in Rodney's scans, because suicidal wasn't normally an adjective I would use to describe him. But this was most definitely a suicidal idea.

"That's it," John cut in. "Fascinating as these mermaids are," he waved toward the screen as he spoke, flashing a grin, "I think it's time we left. Take us out of here, Major."

Lorne nodded, clearly all too happy to follow the command. "Yes, Sir."

The jumper backed slowly away from the Ancient equipment and flashing monitors, and I could feel my heart settling. The peace didn't last long, though, only the second or two it took for Rodney to process what was happening.

"We can't leave yet! Stop! Would you morons learn to listen to the genius? I know what I'm talking about!"

"Sure you do," I heard John mutter.

"Uh, Sir," Lorne said. "The mermaids are moving behind us. Dozens of them. I think they're keeping us from moving. Controls are unresponsive."

Sure enough, I could still see the equipment outside and no signs of moving away from it.

"What?" John exclaimed, limping to the console. He played with a few buttons, but nothing seemed to happen. "Rodney, I need you to…"

He wasn't able to finish his sentence, because that's when George decided to get in on the game. His many legs rushed his body the short distance to the console where he clipped his claws in angry protest; his soft eyes now glaring.

John jumped back despite the fact the turtle's claws were a good foot away from him. He fell back against Lorne's lap, and then pushed himself up as soon as he realized where he'd landed. His gaze fell on his aggressor. "Whoa there. Let's just handle this calmly, all right?"

George clicked his right claw again, while reaching forward with his left. The jumper responded immediately, thrusting us forward and back into the cloaked chamber. He bared sharp teeth as a final warning before lowering his legs and settling on the floor, his claws retracting back into his shell.

"Rodney?" The anger in John's voice was unmistakable.

"What? I don't control him! But," and he emphasized the word with a roll of the eyes. "He is the only one smart enough around here to realize what I need to do!"

I might have been cowering at this point, laying low at my bench so as not to be seen by George. I was definitely thinking of all the tests I could run again on Rodney's obviously still deluded brain. Providing we didn't all die down here, the captives of crazy scientists and their psychotic pet turtles…oh, and don't forget the mermaids. Held by mermaids…what would mum say if I told her this?

"Just get us out of here!" John shouted, continuing the argument with Rodney.

"I don't know how. Maybe if you just did as I said…"

"I'm not going to let you kill yourself in some crazy stunt. Now act like the genius you claim to be and figure out how to escape this."

Rodney's arms crossed against his chest, his chin rising into the air. "No. I'm not helping until we do what we came here to do."

Lorne reached toward the controls with a slow, steady hand, but George bared his teeth in return. The speed at which Lorne's hand flinched back, well, I think it set some world record. So if it wasn't clear before, it was now, we weren't going anywhere and Rodney's mermaids and monster turtle _were _holding us prisoner.

**TBC ** (Part two will be put up as soon as possible)**  
**


	5. Trouble with Turtles II

Title: The Trouble with Turtles: Carson's George Adventure Part Two

* * *

After our first year in Atlantis, I returned home to my mum's for a short visit. She poured me a cup of tea as she shook her head, muttering, "There are plenty of adventures in life, Carson. I don't know what yours are, but don't let them get the best of you. Be a force of good and where something's wrong, you set it right." 

She had raised me with such words, and it was also advice that she lived by. But hearing her that day made my hands shake until I had spilled burning tea on my hand. For I wasn't sure if I was a source of good or not, especially not after Hoff. But that was the thing about Pegasus, and maybe just life in general—things weren't always clear-cut white and black.

So that's how I ended up here, deep down in the ocean, the prisoner of mermaids and turtles, I had thought I'd been doing good, but all I'd really been doing was following a madman. And that madman just happened to be my best friend. Rodney was currently locked in a mad staredown with John, while George continued to guard the controls. There wasn't anything for Lorne and me to do but stand back and watch the insanity.

"Rodney."

"Colonel."

John's voice had reached new levels of frustration while Rodney's sounded more like a whiny two-year-old insistent on getting his way. Not being the best at staring contests, Rodney's eyes dropped first, but he covered with a higher raise of his chin.

John tried to move toward the pilot's controls, but George clicked his claws. Seeing no other choice, he walked toward Rodney's station, but George growled at that, too. With no option but to do nothing, he rubbed his temples and fell back on the bench. "I am ordering you to get us out of here."

"I can't do that."

"The hell you can't!"

"Just trust me."

Ah, and there were the magic words between these two. Neither of them had spent much of their lives trusting anyone, any blind fool could see that. Rodney, he trusted me and a few others, but mostly he had faith only in himself. And John…well, I could tell a lot of trust had been squashed out of him early on. So the fact that they did trust each other and did work together, well, it said a lot. And while that relationship had been threatened back on Doranda, it still remained strong. All one of them had to do was utter the key words, and the other would go to the ends of the earth to see it done. I'd then patch them up good as new so they could do it all over again.

So herein was the trouble. Rodney had said it and now John had to listen. He surveyed his friend with a cautious gaze, and I could see him trying to decide. He looked to George and to the empty ocean, and at last to me and Lorne.

"Don't you even think about it," I cut in. "I'm not standing by and watching someone drown on account of a crazy Ancient disease."

"I'm not going to drown, Carson!"

"Oh, grown gills have you now? And you mind letting me in on how you got these creatures of yours to defend you so enthusiastically?"

Rodney swung his hands enthusiastically into the air, hitting his left one against the bulkhead. He cried out, and stuffed the injured hand in his mouth. After a second, his arms were back to flailing. "Listen, I was here before, right? I knew the location of this place, so that proves it right there. I also knew about the mermaids. So stop thinking I'm crazy, will you? Something is very wrong and I need to figure out what it is."

"And the _elixir_?" John asked dubiously.

"It's what the mermaids used to cure George. They think it will provide the clue we need to see why all the animals are getting sick and how we can help. I already downloaded the psycho Ancient's database into our own so that will help some. Look, we need the samples so we can understand the research."

John glanced from turtle to madman and then to the few mermaids still floating in front. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, leaned further back, and then asked, "What guarantee do we have that you'll be safe."

"My word."

"Okay, what other guarantee—"

"I'll be fine."

I couldn't believe John was considering it, but I could tell well enough that he had already decided. Well, there wasn't anyway I was going to stand back and just let this happen. "Oh no, we're going back right this instant and I'm getting you both comfortable in some infirmary beds. There will be no more gallivanting on crazy adventures, not this month and not on my watch."

I'm not sure how I lost the argument, only that somehow I did. Sure, there was a bit more back and forth, but the end result was Rodney somehow or other ending up outside the jumper while Lorne and I watched, helpless. George remained in position at the front, running all the controls.

"This is a mistake," I mumbled for the hundredth time. No one argued, except George, who gave a good show of growling. Ah, that's right. He was most certainly the reason I lost the argument. He had taken over the controls, done as Rodney asked, and kept all of us back from stopping him. Apparently all of our arguing had been a moot point anyway. What good was bringing along two soldiers if they couldn't hold off one lousy turtle?

Rodney stood outside with his arms crossed, as if waiting for some miracle to happen. What his whacked mind was expecting was anyone's guess. But then I saw it. Among the swimming mermaids, a bubble grew. At first it blended in with all the other bubbles, but soon it grew so large that it was hard to miss. The mermaids bounced it between them on their tails as the thing expanded at about a cubic centimeter per second. Soon the bubble was bigger than a human and it was then that it stopped growing. The mermaid with the indigo tail kicked it lightly off her fin and toward Rodney. George flicked off the shield right before the bubble would have made contact. Just as water flowed forward, the bubble enveloped Rodney.

"What is that?" Lorne asked.

"I haven't a clue, Major." I pushed closer to the screen, looking for any signs that Rodney was in trouble. He wasn't blue or shivering or any of the other things you would expect a man dipped into the ocean to be. "He's breathing in there though. Looks like he might have known what he was talking about, after all."

"Yeah," this time it was John speaking, removing his head from his lap. "We'll see what condition he arrives back in. I say we hang around to see how he holds up."

"You won't be hearing an argument for me."

The three of us turned to George, because he was the one running the show now. He didn't seem to have any complaints, either.

….

The mermaids left Rodney in much the same condition they had last time. Soaking wet and barely breathing. Good thing I had anticipated this and had sprinted from the jumperbay to the docks. We had him back in the infirmary before any permanent damage could be done, while Lorne secured the equipment Rodney had brought with him and my nurses took care of John. As everything quieted down, George and I stayed by Rodney's side, sifting through the information he had downloaded from the underwater lab.

George. I wasn't sure what to think of that turtle anymore. He was all right, it seemed, if you weren't crossing him. But the moment you did something he didn't like? He was just dangerous. I knew Elizabeth was right, gentle or not, the creature didn't belong on Atlantis. The moment all this madness was over, I'd see to it that Rodney and John didn't try hiding the bugger.

"How's he doing?" John did his best to look nonchalant, but his worry never escaped me. He wiped the sleep drool away with a quick sweep and then pushed himself up.

"As I said, he'll be fine. Seems the Mermaids were able to take care of him after all."

"So he'll wake up soon?"

"Any moment, actually."

George must have decided that John made better company than myself, because he sauntered over to him, forcing his head into John's palm. John seemed hesitant at first, the turtle had sort of betrayed us after all, but George purred and John started caressing.

"One of these days, his crazy stunts aren't going to work out."

"Aye, I'm well aware of it. Hopefully we can get to the bottom of all this before anything more happens."

"You plan on running anymore scans?"

I fixed him with an incredulous stare reminiscent of my mother's.

"Good. Just checking."

Hours passed in which Zelenka, Lorne, Teyla, and Ronon all came to hold vigil at Rodney's bedside. I had passed along some of the grim information I had found, and the result was no one was willing to leave until Rodney woke up. Elizabeth took the opportunity to glare at all of us, letting us know she'd be expecting answers sooner rather than later. It would make for an interesting briefing at any rate, once we were sure Rodney was safe anyway.

Another two hours later, Rodney finally stirred. I wasn't sure why he'd been out for so long, and his pallor wasn't comforting. By now, my nurses had already ran him through an MRI, taken his blood, and checked a number of tests. Meanwhile, I'd been examining the so-called 'elixir'. More data had come back, but not much of it had been comforting.

Everyone watched as Rodney's baby blues focused on the world around him. He only put up a minor fight when I flashed my light in his eyes.

"I don't remember volunteering for torture, Carson. Do you have to do that?"

"Aye, and you know I do. How are you feeling?"

"Like someone dropped an anvil on my head."

"I'm not surprised. I've given you some stuff that should help with that. Any other complaints?" Asking Rodney to list everything that was wrong was a dangerous business. He might have a headache, but that wouldn't stop him from listing the tiniest cramp in his leg.

"Just a little sore and tired. But enough about that. Tell me you found something."

"You sure you're up for this?" Elizabeth asked. She and Teyla had found a gurney for a perch.

"I asked, didn't I?"

"Okay," I replied. "Everyone's here, so I suppose now is as good a time as any. Thanks to your crazy efforts, I had a few samples to test." I paused for dramatic effect. I'd already spoken some to the others about what I found, but I'd only be able to take in Rodney's expression once. "I think we finally have some answers."

"It was an Ancient experiment gone wrong," Zelenka interjected.

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Because these are the Ancients," John added. He was looking much better now that he had some more rest. It seemed our little adventure hadn't left him the worse for wear.

Taking back control of the conversation, I started checking Rodney's IV. "It was as we guessed, some kind of illicit experimentation. Apparently a geneticist was infected by a virus that affected his brain. It made him delusional. He sought to use genetic manipulation to make an army out of the planet's creatures, thinking they would protect him against the other Ancients. In his altered state, he believed they were trying to kill him. "

"He did come to his senses once the virus had passed through his system," Zelenka jumped in. "He was embarrassed and sought to hide all that he had done instead of letting the others know about it."

"Why does t his sound like a villain from a comic book?" Rodney rubbed his head gently, pulling his IV in the motion. Unable to help with the pain, I grabbed some water and held it out for him.

"Is there anything we could get for you, Rodney?" Teyla asked soothingly.

"Short of decapitation? No, I don't think so."

"You sure?" Ronon had remained so quiet that I had nearly forgotten he was there. He leaned against a nearby wall, looking ready to pounce on George if the turtle made any sudden moves. George was the first opponent in a long time that I wasn't sure whether or not Ronon would defeat. Not that I'd want to see that battle take place. It could only mean sleepless nights in my future.

"Yes, yes, I'm touched by all of you, really. Now, can we get back to what Carson was saying?"

"Once I understood most of this, I knew what to test you for."

"Wait a minute, over ten thousand years later and I have this thing? It must have bred and mutated and…I'm going to die, aren't I?"

"No, you're not going to die Rodney. Most of it's through your system. Best we can tell, you somehow came in contact with something that infected you with both the gene the geneticist had been experimenting with and the virus that had caused his insanity."

"What? How?"

"I'm not sure at this point. Now, if you keep insisting on interrupting, I'm never going to get through this."

Daft bugger. He always had to be speaking and flailing those arms, paying no mind to the way he interrupted the rest of us. One of these days I should invest in duct tape.

"Yes, yes, go on then."

"The gene was manufactured to change brain patterns so that one could communicate telepathically with animals. The same gene was used on the animals so the process could be reciprocated."

"So that's why I can hear the mermaids and why I always seem to know what George is thinking?"

"I didn't know about the last part, but aye, that sounds about right."

"Apparently it also attracts the animals to you so that they're more likely to serve you," John said, grinning. "That's why all the mermaids took a fancy to you. I knew there had to be some explanation."

Rodney pushed up on his bed, taking in the many faces around him. This meeting was probably larger than it needed to be, but I saw little point in kicking anyone out as long as they remained mostly quiet. I thought back to Earth and how conversations like this just didn't happen there. My dear mum had no clue this stuff happened around me, but she was a fan of a comic books and might have found it funny. I stared at George and realized that living in a comic might not be as grand as it was supposed to be.

"At any rate, as you know, George became sick. He's among the descendents of those with the Ancient gene and the telepathic gene implanted by the geneticist, and thus has both genes himself, but that's no reason for him to have the illness. So he must have attained the Ancient virus some other way. As for the genes, best I can tell, they remained inactive until a few weeks ago when you first came across him."

"We think," Zelenka said, "that you somehow reactivated everything on your trip to the mainland. Animals with the genes were immediately affected and drawn to you."

"Your own animal army, Rodney. Think of how much we could torment Elizabeth with that," Sheppard joked. He quieted down at Elizabeth's glare.

I took a deep breath before taking the conversation back again. Here was the hard bit, and Rodney wasn't going to like it anymore than we did. "But according to the geneticist's records, the mixture of the two genes is unsafe and causes a mutation within the cells. The animals became sick and so did the geneticist. Although he had survived the virus, he nearly died from the mutations before he was able to shut everything down."

I could see my words translate in Rodney's agile brain. With barely a pause for a reaction, he replied, "Are you saying this thing could kill me?"

"If we don't figure out how you activated it in the first place, it is a small possibility, yes."

"But you just said I wasn't going to die!"

"I said you wouldn't die from some mutated virus, which you won't. And you won't be dying from this either. All we need to do is shut down the telepathic gene and you should be fine."

"And how do you propose to do that, huh?"

"We go back to the mainland," John answered. "This crazy Ancient apparently had an outpost there. Also, it's where he was able to shut everything down. Ronon, Teyla and myself can go check it out."

"Aye, Lorne, Teyla and Ronon can check it out," I corrected, fixing John with a firm stare. If I blinked, he might up and escape again.

"And what about me in the meantime?" Rodney asked.

I held up a bottle of red liquid, the elixir the mermaids had used on George. "It's staving off the effects as we speak, just as it is for your turtle friend."

"Oh."

So there it was. Rodney had been right on us needing to get to that underwater bunker, or we wouldn't have known of the dangers. That was something at least. There was something to be said for following madmen after all.

I glanced down at Rodney, hiding my worry as best I could. I'd seen him come out of much harder straights than this, and I didn't think there was a chance this would be the one that would kill him, but just the possibility death made me uncomfortable. And boy, there was a lot of death to be had in this corner of the galaxy. Not surprisingly, Rodney was giving a good show of being panicked, but George had tossed his head into Rodney's lap, soaking up all of the attention that he could.

"We'll be okay," he assured it. "Okay. No reason to worry."

…

The mainland had a beautiful beach. We touched down on the red sand and then began gathering our equipment. John had been doing well enough that I finally gave in and released him to light duty, which somehow or another included the mainland. Ronon and Teyla had come to help in the search. Against my better judgment Rodney came instead of Zelenka, convincing us that if he really did run into something out here, he'd be the most likely person to guide us. And then George didn't give us any choice. So, we were quite the group that debarked from the jumper that day.

At least the mainland wasn't another planet, and I didn't have to travel through a bloody stargate to get here. I felt a bit guilty, worrying about such things when I was coming here to save a friend and his pets. Mother always told me not to count the cost, and she was right. If I had to march into a Hive Ship to save my patients, I'm not sure that I wouldn't.

George jaunted ahead of us with his hundred legs. I found the tiny limbs perhaps more disconcerting than the sharp teeth or claws. Maybe because they reminded me of creepy spiders.

"This would work a lot better if you'd move faster." Rodney and John had been bickering non-stop since we boarded the jumper. Apparently my forcing John to bring and use a cane had only provided fodder for Rodney, who was glad for once not to be the slowest.

"One more word, and I'm going to kick your ass with this cane."

"I doubt it. It's the only thing keeping you from falling on your ass. You're still just jealous that the mermaids like me more."

"Does the word brainwashed mean anything to you?"

"That's right. I have my own army of animals to command. Who do you think would win in a fight? Cane boy?"

Deciding it was best to just tune them out, I followed near Ronon and Teyla, the only two members who showed no signs of insanity. After an hour of wandering, Ronon asked, "You sure you know where we're going, McKay?"

"No. I told you before that I didn't see anything strange when I was here last. We're looking for a needle in a haystack."

"How does one miss bumping into a laboratory?" Teyla asked. She surveyed the surroundings with grace, walking over the land as if she were back on Athos. In a way, she wasn't as much a stranger to the mainland as we were, seeing as this place now housed her people. For however much longer that might last.

Rodney gave her a hurt look. "I think the more important question is how can _I_ miss bumping into a lab. And I didn't miss it I just, ah, forgot that I had."

The conversation went on, while I soaked in the breeze. I didn't like going off-world much, but everyone needed some fresh air now and then. It had been months since my last trip here, and that was far too long to be healthy. Stripping my jacket from my shoulders, I basked in the sun's rays. It might not have been the most relaxing reason to be here, but it was doing my heart good nonetheless.

I must not have been paying enough attention to where I was headed, because the next thing I knew I had tripped over George. Ronon helped pull me up, while Rodney started asking George why he was refusing to move. George clipped his claws in reply.

"Why don't you just read its mind?"

"Oh, har har, Colonel. It's not something I can just turn on and off at will."

"What was the point of the experiment then?"

"Can we focus please?"

"And Teyla had a point. How come you can't remember running into any Ancient lab out here? Sounds like the first thing you would rave about."

"I already told you. I was following you down the shoreline when George started chasing me. I didn't see… Hold a moment. What's this?"

He knelt down to the sandy ground, taking a small red cloth in his hand. It took a few tries to shake it free of the sand. Its edges were tattered and its color faded.

"Isn't that your hanky?" John asked in his teasing voice.

"My _handkerchief_, yes. I don't remember losing it out here, though."

He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. John knelt next to him, surveying the ground for any more clues.

"Hang on, I remember it falling when I saw…" Rodney suddenly lunged forward to a nearby tree. "Why didn't I remember before? I had been following John when I tripped here and…where was it…" he started pressing different pieces of the bark as though searching for a button. I went to help him just as he must have found it, because there was a loud creek followed by the earth shaking. Teyla jumped back as the sand began to move beneath her feet.

"I believe we have found your lab," she said.

"No kidding. How are you just remembering this now?" John demanded while he and Ronon started examining the newly found entrance.

"I don't know. I remember thinking how cool this was and that I needed to come and tell you about it, but…" McKay's eyes went wide. "I was pinched by something. And then all this equipment went on and I…I don't remember."

"Carson," John asked, "is it possible the mixture of genes could have caused memory loss?"

"Aye, I suppose it is. I'm not exactly an expert on all of this."

I could feel my skin crawling as I watched Teyla and Ronon descend into the underground lab. There was just something creepy about finding this place through memories that had been temporarily lost. I looked at George, who had obviously led us here. He was standing by Rodney, looking rather proud of himself. Somehow he'd gotten a hold of some more chocolate and was gladly munching on it with those pointy teeth of his. Monster turtles and underground labs…what more was this day going to turn up?

Rodney and I were the last to climb down into the lab. There was an awful smell of mold about the whole place, and none of the lights seemed to work properly. The flickering was making me dizzy, and I was sure it wasn't helping Rodney that much, either. The lab was a tight fit, probably not made for more than one man and a few animal experiments to fit inside at one time.

"Lovely place, isn't it?"

"Perfect for the voodoo arts, right Carson?"

"Enough with the voodoo, Rodney. You've been the madman over the past few weeks, and don't think I'm going to let you forget it."

It was difficult to see if there was anything useful down here. Every time someone blew dust away from something, it would fly into the air and cause us all to cough and gag. Beneath my feet, I heard a distinct crunch. Sheppard pointed his torch, uh, flashlight at the site. Broken glass littered the floor atop a purple stain.

Running my tablet over the material, it was a confirmation. "The Ancient virus. We might have all just infected ourselves."

"You have the cure, right, from the last time?"

"The virus should pass through our system after a few days, if we are infected. We should all report to the infirmary as soon as we can." I didn't much like the idea of going crazy, but if I remained calm, Rodney was more likely to do so.

"You must have met George down here and that's how he became infected," Sheppard commented to Rodney, sweeping the rest of the lab with his flashlight.

"Yes, well, that would be the logical conclusion wouldn't it. I couldn't tell you, because I can't remember!" He shook his head, glancing around the lab as if he was desperate for any answer. He paused shortly, reaching over to a rusted console. A crevice the shape of a perfect circle was next to a small switch. There was nothing else to be seen on its counter.

"What is it?" John asked.

"I placed my hand here, trying to activate the power and I think I received a shock or something."

Rodney was a dazed man trying to reach out and hold his elusive memories. For someone who depended so much on his brain, it must have been driving him mad to see the evidence of its failures. Losing memories was always disconcerting, but I suspected it was more so for Rodney.

I put my hand on his shoulder and nodded him aside, surveying the circular print with my scanner. "There's genetic material here that matches the telepathic gene. It's possible that this is how the gene was transmitted."

"When I received the shock, I was startled. My arm hit the beaker that was sitting here and possibly even this switch. Fumes filled the room and I…I passed out. Next thing I knew, George was standing over me and I was outside."

"So there is a good chance this button is what activates everything?" Teyla chimed in.

"Yeah."

Rodney searched his tablet while the rest of us continued to search the lab. The mold was getting a bit much for me to handle, but I kept myself from leaving. I was somewhat surprised the ceiling wasn't coming down on us.

"It's a lovely place here, Rodney. You should think of making it your own lab."

"The second I have what I need, I'm never stepping foot here again."

"Can't see why," Ronon replied. I suspect it was his idea of a joke, but it was always hard to tell with the Satedan.

"Okay," Rodney finally spoke twenty minutes later, "This is really it. It emits some pulse, right now it's on. All we have to do is essentially turn it off, then it will disable the gene on a worldwide scale."

"So all you have to do is push it? Seems a bit…?" Sheppard asked disbelievingly.

"Yes, sometimes, although I admit it is somewhat rare, the answers are that easy."

He flicked the button before anyone else could chime in, and that was it. There was no pulse that we could see or feel, just a quick beep from our tablets. It was about as anti-climatic a solution as we'd seen in a long time.

"That's it?" Ronon asked.

"Don't jinx it," John warned. Then he turned to me, trying to act as if he weren't leaning heavily on his cane, "Can you confirm anything changed?"

I waved my scanner over Rodney's body, then nodded. "I'd have to run some more tests back at Atlantis, but it appears to have done the trick."

My mum always told me to do good where I could. To set right the wrong when it was in my power to do so. Well, we just saved a ton of animals from having to read Rodney's thoughts and that's about as big an act of mercy as one could give, even if the results didn't come with bells and whistles. More importantly, it sounded like we had managed to save Rodney's life along with the other animals. It seemed too good to be a true end to all the madness, but something about it felt right.

We crawled back to the surface where George was waiting for us. He looked at Rodney with the same recognition as before, but it could have just been because he was a smart turtle. When he started to follow us, Ronon stopped. "It's not coming with us," he said. John and Rodney were all set to argue, but I knew he was right. The turtle didn't belong on Atlantis and there was no way Elizabeth was going to let us land with the thing.

I put my hand on Rodney's shoulder. "You can visit him when you like, but I think it's time to say goodbye."

Rodney looked like a ten-year-old being asked to get rid of his favorite puppy. John didn't seem much happier.

"It's the way it has to be," I explained.

In the end it was George that bowed his head and started to back away, as if he knew there was only one way this could go. Rodney waved goodbye while John pretended not to care, and then we returned to the jumper.

The trip back was made in silence. Preliminary scans showed the Rodney's dual genes had stopped fighting one another, seeing as one of them had been turned off. No headaches. No paleness. Part of me was a bit sad that I wouldn't get to see Rodney crazy again because there was a certain entertainment value to the whole thing, but it was really for the best. Not just for Rodney's health but for my sanity as well.

"You'll be able to visit." I tried such ways of comforting him, and he just shrugged them off, pretending he didn't mind so much.

"Don't worry, buddy," John said, "We'll find a way of getting him back to Atlantis. With or without Carson's help."

I gave my best glare and shake of the head. These two were insufferable, even if they were my friends. They were also good at whatever mischief they had in mind.

Two weeks later, and I somehow got it in my head to visit George. Apparently the Ancient virus _had_ affected all of us, and I figured there was nothing like a trip to the mainland to celebrate recovery.

Ah, the virus. John had seen clowns wherever he went, while Ronon started randomly screaming about bouncing Wraith. I had kept insisting I was a knight errant on a great mission to rid the universe of all things purple. But that was out of my system now, and checking up on George seemed a perfect ending to the madness.

My mum told me to come to Atlantis and find my adventure here, to seek out the opportunity that I thought was so great. While it was true that many days I wanted to just run away and not have to deal with this place, there were moments when the insanity made me smile. I was among friends and family and we were doing our best to do good in the world, and to do right by a people that had been wronged so many times in its past. There were dangers around every corner, and each day seemed to come out of a comic book, but life had meaning, and friendship was more than just a word.

I thought I'd tell George all about this, once I found him. I pushed past foliage while breathing in the wonderful fresh air. I'd been at it for over an hour, but there was no sign of the monster turtle. As day began to break, I returned to my jumper only to see Elizabeth had left a message to call back as soon as possible.

"What can I do for you?" I asked when she said hello.

Her voice was frazzled and angry enough to cook bacon with. "He is back, Carson. That giant turtle somehow made its way back into Atlantis."

I couldn't help but laugh. I hadn't expected anything less from John and Rodney, I just didn't think they'd manage to get him back so soon.

"I'll be right there," I replied before cutting communications.

That was the trouble with turtles, especially monster ones named George, they just couldn't stay away. And I was beginning to enjoy every moment of it.

* * *

THE END (For real this time. I hope you enjoyed George!) 


End file.
